Borderline Personality Disorder's topics - tribe.net

Lost ability to be creative...need help

Chaz — Thu, 20 Jul 2006 22:35:37 GMT

i am just surviving...I dont care about anything else in life...i think a little creativity could be my saving grace...I could handle having this disorder if I could experience even moments of creativity but it just seems like it is dead

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 8 replies

An open letter to those who SI

Schirin — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 07:15:56 GMT

Some of you know that I used to be in the old SI group, but just there to offer my friendship, advice, love and support where needed, to anyone who is open to it. My compassion is freely given with nothing expected in return.

Because of all the lovely young people I found in the SI and BPD groups who feel/felt so down on themselves, my life took a turn. I speak often of something I would like to do someday, which is to reach out to those who SI and offer them a safe haven. I envision one day to have an actual location where people who SI can go to stay for a few months, to take classes in all kinds of important life lessons, maybe have horses to care for, yoga, etc., They wouldn't feel bad about their scarred bodies because the other young people there are the same. I envision also that real psychologists would be there, and would be available anytime to anyone who needed them, whether they were staying there or not, a phone call away. I also want to involve retirees in the community who wish to spend their time helping to teach certain subjects or just be friends, because older people need to feel useful, and can help young people who don't have a grandparent or know what a good family is. I also want to be a resource to parents who don't know how to deal with their kids who SI, so they learn what to do and what not to do because they can sometimes make it worse without meaning to. Lastly, I want to help to educate those in the medical profession so that if one of you does end up in the hospital at your own hand, that you are not made to feel worse because they scoff at you because they don't understand.

So my questions are:

If you SI, would you like to go to a safe haven like this? Do you think you would actually go if it was available? Do you think something like this could help you to learn to grow past needing to SI? What types of classes or what types of activities do you think would help...anything from art classes to taking care of horses to yoga to ??

Thank you for taking the time to respond, because anything that can happen first is just a thought in someone's mind, and if I were able to do this someday, I want to serve those who need it, in the way they feel would help.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 2 replies

I'm Back

Daughter of the Night — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 10:51:32 GMT

from the hospital that is; got out this morning. been there since november 6th when i tried to kill myself. i cut a four inch long two inch deep gash into my thigh, but missed the femeral artery. i was talking to my shrink that entire day trying to stop myself and the police/paramedics found me before i finished. disassociation sucks. i guess i'm a little better now. the cut became infected while i was in the hospital. hospitals are such dirty places. i had surgery and the wound was cleaned and cut deeper. it's open now and packed with guaze. i have to have a nurse come to my home and take care of it.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 2 replies

Medications

Daughter of the Night — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:04:16 GMT

I have an appt tomorrow to discuss medication. All my doctors would like to see me back on medication. I do take trazadone for sleep, have been for over twelve years now at 100 to 200 mg at night, but it rarely works now. I'm lucky to get three hours of sleep out of it. Anyway, their intentions are to (attempt) put me on an antidepressent again. I've been on any number of trycyclics and SSRIs, most names of which I've forgotten, but if you mention it, I'm sure to be able to tell you if I have tried it or not. The last one they tried me on was Mertazapine in February and March of this year. It was horrible. I gained 14 lbs and I haven't lost them yet. Even worse was how sleepy I was, could not stay awake anywhere, anyway, anyhow. I won't do trycyclics again. I hate SSRIs too. My ability to orgasm is almost permantly impaired from my years of their use.

I am becoming desparate to escape this depression. However... I just spent hours pouring over the drug facts on different meds I might be offered. I'm scared shitless. It also reminds me just how I did feel while on Celexa the last time. Numb. Nothing. I wasn't crying. But there was no joy either.

I feel like there is no hope.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 4 replies

Emptiness persist

Roxie — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:47:13 GMT

Its like Richey Edwards said »outrage and boredom just go hand in hand”.
I hate feeling like this
Now i wanna break something, i feel like screaming and pulling hair from my head.. I really, really, dont want to cut myself anymore, but i do feel the strong urge to hurt myself, i guess its a way to escape from inner empty hole.
I feel lot of energy, but i dont know how to direct it, i wanna write, but i cat sit long at one place, i hate when im scattered like that.
I know in this state i am gonna act crazy on some way, im either gona say nonsense or do stupid things.
How do you deal with emptiness, boredom, do you know how to help yourself in that situation?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 3 replies

Hello everyone...

Ally — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 16:26:48 GMT

Hey all! I just thought id post a message, that is; to let you know that Im thinking of you all today and I do hope that you are all doing okay...remember to hang in there and to post on here if you need to chat...much love and understanding, Ally

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 5 replies

Loneliness

theApostate — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 02:20:01 GMT

Missing someone too much, etc...

Feeling too alone...

How do you deal with it?

=(

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 replies

some hope for stabilization

Serena — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:25:31 GMT

Hi all,

I just wanted to introduce myself - I am new here. I was diagnosed with BPD about 13 years ago, but only started treating it properly about 9 months ago.

I'm just browsing the posts right now, and I thought I'd put up my own experiences here. I've actually (amazingly) stabilized my BPD through meds and DBT, and while it still SUCKS, I am in a lot less pain than I was before.

Anyhow, ifyou're interested, wander over to my blog: http://borderlinebunny.wordpress.com. I'm going to try and say hi more personally later...

SY

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 7 replies

Anyone interested in virtual support meetings?

Serena — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 07:48:10 GMT

Hi there -

I am starting a Meetup support group for ppl with BPD in the San Francisco area, and I am actually considering making it more accessible to other locations. I work in technology (I know, geek!) and have been playing around with the idea of hosting virtual meetings, where ppl can dial in and talk. I have a few nifty tools up my sleeve, such as web conferencing software, etc., and can probably even do some web-camming.

My thought: not everyone can (or is willing) to show up at a meeting in person, and in a lot of places, there are no meetings at all. With technology these days, why limit interactions to just a message board, as great as this is?

What do you guys think? Am I just geeking out? Do you think ppl would be willing to call in?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 2 replies

This is done in the spirit of invitation...

Ally — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 07:59:53 GMT

I was just sitting and thinking about everyone...and wondering where you have all dissappeared to!

I am writing to you all, to express my feelings of complete nervousness at the lack of correspondence here, in OUR tribe...It would be great to hear from you all at some stage, to know how you are

and to share with you how i am...

To know what youre doing in yout life at this time,
and to know whetheryoure happy therein, sitting within each choice you make..

how are you, and are you happy?..where are you...im here, and i care and im listening....

xxx Ally Rose

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 5 replies

Bingeing

Jen — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 12:35:16 GMT

How do you guys deal with binge eating...I eat about 3000 calories a day and I can't stop....

Enough of that.. My name is jen and I have bpd and Bipolar 2.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 1 reply

Hello everyone...Ally...

Schirin — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 08:04:34 GMT

I'm back! I've moved recently, and just got my Internet back yesterday, well, 2 days ago now since it's almost 1am. And then today, er, yesterday, I had to go get a router and what a pain in the @ss that was getting hooked up. Finally, I had to remove some viruses from my computer. So all that done, and mostly moved in now, so I hope to have a bit more time online. Kitties are happy they're in their new home and I went and got my foster bunny back from this woman who he kept biting because she had bad energy. He hasn't bitten me once!

Ally, I read some of your recent blogs and please darling, don't think that no one cares about you if they don't respond. Sometimes, people are just going through a lot themselves and either aren't online, or maybe just have nothing uplifting to say. It's nothing personal and you should not take it that you are not important. The whole world seems to be going through a lot of problems right now, but here in the States there is major major flooding in the midwest, prices on everything, gas, food, everything, is going up up up and I think a lot of people are scared and unhappy.

I try to keep in my mind, that it doesn't matter what is going on in the economy, who is president, or anything that others do to me...my trust is in God that He will take care of me and see me through each and every trying situation and he will use it to make me stronger...if I have faith and patience and love in my heart even for the lost and broken people who persecute me for no reason other than their own insecurities...and I have had profound experiences lately that I know this is true. Even seeing Him working in my life to snatch me from the edge of very scary situations, doesn't mean though that I don't still worry and get sad...but I keep trying to refocus on building my faith and it helps me, a lot. Just something for you to think about.

Best wishes,
Schirin

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 6 replies

borderline pain

Ally — Wed, 28 May 2008 09:26:30 GMT

ive lost many friends because ive not had much access to the net of late......and it hurts quite a lot.....im not too sure what they think happened to me...but its been hell to pay...losing every one and everything...online and off line...its a struggle.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 12 replies

The insanity Does it again.

Nightmare1158 — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 00:17:16 GMT

Okay, I know I haven't been here in a while, but I have been pretty okay for a while too. Here is my issue. I would like someone from here, that knows what it is like to go insane at the drop of a hat, to come and play a game with me. It's a fun game, it's ongoing and addictive, but I get points in time when I just want to rant, and no one that I play with will ever understand that.

I think the biggest problem is a combination of the disorder itself, and menopause on top of that, with a total lack of medication for either, because I told my doctor to take a flying leap.

If you are even remotely interested in playing this game with me, contact me, or just show up on the game, www.tribalwars.net I am on the speed server as HardNight this round, but generally play as nightmare1158. I could really use a friend that understands.

This game is a strategy based war game, doesn't have live action. Please help me on this, so I don't destroy anymore friendships?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 1 reply

Don't worry

Schirin — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 19:53:29 GMT

Worry about the future is pointless. We can't cross the stream until we get to it, and it is only in the moment that we will know what to do next, when we have all the facts available to us. Read the story at bottom.

Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth.
Colossians 3:2 NLT

Worry is the interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Author unknown

It is not work that kills men; it is worry. Worry is rust upon the blade.
Henry Ward Beecher

Lessons of a circuit rider

When Abraham Lincoln was on his way to Washington to be inaugurated, he spent some time in New York with Horace Greeley and told him an anecdote that was meant to be an answer to the question everybody was asking him: Are we really going to have civil war?

In his circuit-riding days, Lincoln and his companions, riding to the next session of court, had crossed many rivers. But the Fox River was still ahead of them; and they said one to another, "If these streams gives us so much trouble, how shall we get over the Fox River?"

When darkness fell, they stopped for the night at a log tavern, where they fell in with the Methodist presiding elder of the district, who rode through the country in all kinds of weather and knew all about the Fox River. They gathered around him and asked him about the present state of the river.

"Oh, yes," replied the circuit rider, "I know all the Fox River. I have crossed it often and understand it well. But I have one fixed rule with regard to the Fox River—I never cross it till I reach it."

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 1 reply

New here...

Swaz — Thu, 15 May 2008 03:47:14 GMT

Okay. I'm new here. I'll disclose a few things that people already know about me. I've had multiple dignoses. One of the most often heard is bipolar. I used to get pissed-off for no reason and put my fist through walls. Doctors said they thought I had temporal lobe epilepsy cause that's a symptom. I've also heard Borderline Personality Disorder cause among other things I used to cut myself up with knives and chew glass. I think that was just a phase though cause I got tired of getting my teeth fixed. I never assaulted anyone else, it was like I was always at war with myself. But I've been on meds for quite a few years now an I'm fairly sane these days.

Hmmm.

So anyone else here ever have violent impulses? How do you deal with it?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 replies

Power of the Tongue

Schirin — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 18:56:19 GMT

I often hear BPD'ers say things that are so horrible about themselves, and they tend to lose their temper and shout at other people. I just wanted to share this about the power of the tongue....control the tongue, speak in love towards yourself and others, and you control your life from spiraling out of control. It really is that important!

*hugs*
Schirin

HUNG BY THE TONGUE
by Gary Eby

Some people just have a knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. They are being, "Hung By the Tongue!"

A state trooper pulled a man over for speeding on a deserted road. Since the road was clear and the weather fine, the trooper had indicated that he may not give the man a ticket, and let them off with a warning. He even complemented both the man and his wife for wearing their seat belts. At that point the woman leaned over and said, "Well, officer, when you drive the speeds we do, you have to wear them." That's when the trooper wrote the ticket. Hung By the Tongue!

Gene and Carolyn were entertaining for the first time since the birth of their baby. Everything ran smoothly until one of Gene's buddies arrived with his new girlfriend - a woman whom Carolyn did not particularly care for. She beckoned her husband upstairs with the excuse that they had to check on the baby. In the privacy of the nursery, she spoke freely of her disdain for the new guest. When they went downstairs to rejoin the party, they were greeted with an awkward silence-except for the occasional murmuring of the sleeping baby that came from the infant monitor sitting on the table. Hung By the Tongue!

There is an ancient Japanese proverb that says... "A tongue three inches long can kill a man six feet tall."

If you are continually being "hung by your tongue", you can be "loosed from the noose" if you would just learn to engage your mind a little bit before you speak! Here's the process... think... then speak! I believe that we need to make our words sweet... just in case we have to eat them!

The words of your mouth are a creative force. They play a big part in predestining your future. Your words are the architects of your life. The tongue is like a tool. We need to use our tools of the present to build our future we desire.

You see, your future will someday be your present. Your present will someday be your past. You can chart the course of your future by your compass... your tongue. It will guide you like a rudder... into either troubled waters or a calm sea. But, don't be misled... it WILL guide you.

If you can change what you think about, you can change what comes out of your mouth. What comes out of your mouth will someday be in your future.

The words you speak create an atmosphere. If you are going to have a meeting and you really pump it up and build it, what happens? People come with expectancy! They come excited. Your words have set the stage for success! One of the foundational revelations of a wise leader is to learn to control his or her words!

Remember, Samson slew 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. Way too many businesses, lives, and relationships are destroyed with the same weapon...

Be loosed from the Noose! Refuse to be... Hung By the Tongue!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gary Eby is an International Trainer and Sales Strategist. He has the dynamic gift and ability to teach, train, motivate, and inspire. His message is a power-packed adventure that is filled with laughter and practical illustrations. Gary has conducted seminars all over the United States as well as England, Japan and Brazil. His diverse background includes the US Marines and a lifestyle mission statement that focuses on "vision, integrity and diligence." Gary has worked in the Direct Sales and Network Marketing Industries at both corporate and distribution levels which gives him a unique insight into the aspirations of both the corporate officers and field producers. To learn more about Gary and his products call 800-929-0434.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

Quotes of the Day

Schirin — Wed, 21 May 2008 18:13:30 GMT

CHALLENGES

"Self-acceptance comes from meeting life's challenges vigorously. Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory." -- J. Donald Walters

"Challenges make you discover things about yourself that you never really knew. They’re what make the instrument stretch—what makes you go beyond the norm." -- Cicely Tyson

"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure." -- Peter Marshal

"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." -- Margaret Thatcher

DEFINING YOUR FUTURE

Start with a dream. Maybe a dream that is personal and small, but worth doing. Then dream a bigger dream. Keep dreaming until your dreams seem impossible to achieve. Then you’ll know you’re on the right track. Then you’ll know you’re ready to conjure up a dream big enough to define your future and perhaps your generation’s future.

Vance Coffman
Business executive

Why not spend some time in determining what is worthwhile for us, and then go after that?

William Ross

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

self medicating------

joyrochelle — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 03:45:41 GMT

do you do it?
how?
how do you break the habit?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 1 reply

Poor body image

Schirin — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 07:54:41 GMT

This is a wonderful thread for girls/women as body image is currently being discussed: http://askasexywomananything.tribe.net/thread/b2c27a23-390e-41e0-955b-1a0ea610e9a4

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

just have to talk to some one

Esther — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 20:11:07 GMT

i'm alone.
after 2 years of relationship i got dumped by an email out of nothing
i'm beside myself from pain self hate and other.....
i just cant stop crying
i'm sorry to bother you with it.
stoped cutting almost 3 years aggo.
but cant help but getting the urge
i'm sorry for wasting your time
i'm sorry for living
i'm sorry for everything

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 replies

Relationships.....should we just give up?

Sun, 13 May 2007 23:53:24 GMT

My BPD seems to be most acute in regard to romantic relationsips and possible romantic relationships. In fact, I think it is meeting someone I really like and want to be with that triggers my BPD. The rest of my life seems unaffected as i don't experience fear or obsessive behaviour in any other aspect of my life the way I do with members of the opposite sex.

Additionally, the frequency and severity of the episodes seems to be lesser as I get older. But part of that is because I no longer carry any hope that I will find love and happiness with another human being. If I allow myself to hope, then I meet someone and go a little crazy, thinking about him all the time and being afraid he won't love me. Then he disappears as they always do and then I lose hope again. So, I have been working on convincing myself that it is never gonna happen and I should just concentrate on finding happiness alone.

Has anyone else given up?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 26 replies

Mood Shifts

MedusaHeart — Thu, 24 May 2007 13:15:09 GMT

A few minutes ago I was thinking that perhaps I needed to die. I was thinking I hurt everyone and am inherently bad. I felt a blunted sort of sadness, a bit empty, and started crying a little which made me sick, so I started gagging and had to distract myself so I wouldn't feel sick. I wasn't feeling terribly sad, I suppose, because I was a bit numb, but I was still sad. I was thinking nothing will ever be as it should be, I am a horrible person, I hurt everyone, I will have to be alone always, I will never feel quite right, etc. I was thinking also that maybe if I did something I'd feel better......like go dye my hair or have sex with someone, or something of the sort, but I knew at that moment that none of it would fix anything. Also, even though some of these things are things I've wanted to do for awhile, I suddenly felt like, at that moment, I wouldn't even enjoy it much at all. Well, a few minutes later, while it was not a violent mood shift, suddenly running out and banging some random person or dyeing my hair sounded like great fun and a nice way to distract and refresh myself. However, now, a few minutes after it all started, I'm back to thinking it wouldn't be enjoyable.....especially the sex. Right now it feels like I may never want sex with another human being again! The mood shifts aren't violent, but what the heck?! Suicidal contemplation one moment, though not real urges or impulses, then suddenly I'm excited about hair dye, now I'm back to thinking nothing will really feel good right now, anyway. Well, if I can get in the happy hair dye mood long enough to do it, maybe I will.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 5 replies

help

blake — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 13:11:48 GMT

i've been having problems with a boy at my work. his name is sam. i used to think of him as a good friend. i liked him because he is from india and has a lovely way of speaking.

about a month or two ago, there was an incident at work.
i went into the cool room to get some crates of milk. sam came in behind me. i was bending over the trolley. he came from behind and held my head still so i couldn't move. i was very frightened. when horses are scared, they move their heads back, shy, and that is what i did. which pressed me closer to him. i said "don't" and tried to get away from him. he pinched my arm, twisting the skin. he said he wanted to see if my skin would bruise.

i was very, very upset by this. it triggered me badly, being held so i couldn't escape and then being hurt. i had been convinced, when he was holding my head, that he was going to touch me sexually or rape me. it was terrifying. i dissociated a lot and for a while alice (an alter) was in charge. the next time i worked, he saw all the bruises on me and apologised. said he didn't mean to hurt me that much. he asked me out to lunch. alice gave a very firm "no!' he then asked to take me out for a drink, again alice said no.

i was hospitalised shortly after that for five or six days.

going back to work, he left me alone mostly.

until this weekend.
on saturday, he came up beside me and leant very close into my face and breathed on me.
on sunday, it was really busy in the shop. i get very sore knees and ankles standing at the register, so whenever i get the chance, i take a little walk around the shop, try and stretch my legs. but every time i did, he was there, touching my arm or my back or my neck. every time, i would pull away and go back to my register. after a few times, i justed stayed on register, even though i was getting very stiff and sore.

at the end of my shift, i had packed up and was saying goodbye to aimee, one of the lovely girls i work with.
and sam came up beind me, slid in and put his arms around my shoulders. he started squeezing me. i tried to push him away but he is much stornger than me, i am physically quite weak, skinny and not well muscled. i said "please stop" and "i don't like touching". aimee told him to stop. he let go for a moment and then said "i am going to keep doing it until you punch me in the face and make me stop" and he grabbed me again, even tighter. i couldn't breathe, he was pressing me against him, i could feel his skin through my clothes. i was very scared. aimee turned around and saw what he was doing and said "don't" he loosened his grip a bit and i broke free, ran from the shop tot he car park where my sister was waiting for me.

that was in the front of the shop, in full view of staff and customers.
i am terrified of what will happen if he gets me alone again.

dr b (my psychiatrist) is advising me to go to the police.
he said that on a day i feel safe, i should go to the police station and ask to speak to a police woman, get some advice.
the thought of involving the police frightens me. i don't do well under pressure, the thought of being interviewed really scares me.

what really upsets me is that my mum really likes him. she will always chat to him in the shop and ask about him when i come home from work.

i think if i say anything, she will take his side.
i told dr b this and he said i am confusing sam and my brother, that mum has no natural loyalty to sam and she will be on my side.
i'm not so sure.

all i want is for him to stop touching me.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 replies

really "insane"?

theApostate — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 10:10:35 GMT

are we?
i don't know.

i don't want to think that borderlines are crazy, and in need of medical attention.

maybe i'm just being defensive and denying, but... on the other hand...
maybe society's standards of what's normal and what's not is twisted...

i read an astrology book, "the Hades Moon,"
and the symptoms and stories of Hades Moon people are so similar to Borderline Personality experiences!
and you don't call these people "insane," they're just people with perceptual problems and greater needs than most "normal" members of society...

i should list down the symptoms here one of these days... maybe you all can relate...

although maybe there is also a border between just being a Hades Moon native, and being officially Borderline...
I don't know. I wish to gather more data about it...

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 3 replies

which sickness

patrick_spatz — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 06:52:46 GMT

So can anyone tell me is this a symtem of ADD, Borderline, or Depression: I make list and try to plan out my day. Find so far as it goes. I get a good start, and then something doesn't go accounting to plan. Somehow instead of just replanning and going around the problem my whole day (or days) ends up getting shot.
Now sometimes it really is something that I need to wait for, (I don't do waiting well), but other times I'm left with lots of things to do, but I go play a computer game or TV or otherwise just hide from it. Anyone else with this kind of problem.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 5 replies

Article: How I Learned to Stop Hating My Mother

Schirin — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 20:08:05 GMT

How I Learned to Stop Hating My Mother
By Gretchen Voss
"What about me?" I spat at my mother as she sat frail and broken in a wheelchair, her legs too wasted to carry her emaciated body.

It was Christmas of 1999, and my father, two brothers, and I were at a family-counseling session during my mother's second — though not her last — stint in rehab in Florida. My father had found her a few weeks earlier, lying half-dead on the couch, her once-pristine condo looking like a homeless person's final filthy squat, splattered with puke and diarrhea. I guess our tough-love tactic — booting her out of the house in New Jersey to go "deal with herself" near her sister in Florida, plus my father's recent visit on their anniversary to announce that he didn't love her anymore and wanted a separation — was too much for a woman who had always defined tough. When my father scooped her off the couch and rushed her to the hospital that day, the doctor glared at him and asked my mother, "Who did this to you?"

What a stupid question, I would have said to the doctor, had I been there. She did this to herself.

So there we sat, on uncomfortable seats under the blinding sun on that suffocatingly humid day, as the counselor prattled on about what my mother needed from us to get her healthy. My mother explained that she was feeling physically better and mentally optimistic — hell, she was even making jokes. And I just unloaded. I told her that I had always hated her, that she was a lousy drunk, that she deserved everything she was getting. I wanted her to feel my pain. I wanted her to cry. I had never seen her cry, and she didn't that day, either.

Was I being selfish? Maybe. But that's how we are with our mothers, judging them by how well, or how poorly, they looked out for us and how they prepared us for life. It's a role that we see strictly from our point of view, stripped of all backstory, all emotional narrative — except for how it pertains to us.

So the question of what made my mother such a catastrophically bad one never occurred to me until the other night, when I was dining with some girlfriends and talking about the uniquely feminine compromises and frustrations we were tussling with while working and raising kids. And it got me wondering what my mother's were and how they drove her to lose herself nightly in a bottle of Stoli.

After three failed rehabs, a couple of DUIs, and at least one serious flirtation with death, my mother quietly quit drinking for good about five years ago. Since then, we slipped into a peaceful détente and, terrified of testing it, never, ever talked about our 30-year war. But suddenly, I realized I needed to. Now that her mind was clear, now that I was in a place where understanding could take the place of judgment, I wanted to hear from her what the hell had happened. After all, we are mirror images of each other — blonde hair and blue eyes, high cheekbones and small builds — and I'm at that same age and stage of life that she was when everything fell apart for her.

I didn't want to chance it in person — we are both still too raw for that — but she did agree to get into it over the phone.

This is what I remember. Tiptoeing down the beige-carpeted stairs late at night, I poked my head far enough around the wall to peer into the living room, where my mother rocked in her navy-blue chair, swigging cheap white wine. I stood, riveted, staring at her nighttime face, which was contorted with depthless rage. She never noticed me hidden in the shadows as her cigarette withered in the ashtray while she gesticulated wildly, thrusting her middle finger into the face of someone who wasn't there. This was my routine for years, compulsively spying on her, trying to figure out who this beautiful and smart and tortured woman was from a distance. I felt — no, I knew — she did not love me. Curled into a question mark, I cried myself to sleep every night.

"Nobody said that life is fair." That was her favorite saying, a stinging maternal salve in response to a daughter's tears. I know there was a good lesson in there for me, but I wasn't ready to hear it. Instead, I thought, No sh**. If life were fair, it would have smelled of home-baked cookies instead of stale booze; it would have felt like a warm hug instead of a cold shoulder.

"If you loved me, you'd stop drinking." That was my favorite comeback. Fair or not, mothers were supposed to live for their kids, I thought, and her nightly swan dive into a gallon jug of Gallo was a sloppy declaration of rejection. I took her drinking as wholly personal, and so I tried to make myself more lovable by overachieving in the classroom and on the soccer field; I tried to show her how much I was hurting by turning myself into an 88-pound skeleton. But none of that changed a thing. My mother still crawled naked up the stairs to her bedroom, still hid glasses of vodka in cupboards throughout the house, still chose booze over me.

And so I ran — up to Andover, down to Duke, across the country to San Francisco. But our reckless fights — my vicious takedowns and her slurred diatribes — carried on over the phone lines.

That's what I remember. Then my mother filled in the blanks.

One day, when my mom was growing up in a big, poor family in Alabama, her mother, Helen — an emotionally dead woman hitched to a violently alcoholic man — asked her if she wanted some ice cream. Helen had never asked my mother if she wanted anything, and so my mother, craving some ice cream, decided to test her. No, my mother said, I don't want any ice cream — hoping that Helen, for the first time, would simply know what her daughter wanted, what she needed. But Helen walked away, and my mother was crushed.

My mom returns to this story repeatedly as if it explains everything. If her own mother could not meet her needs, spoken or not, what was the point in acknowledging them, even to herself? Burying who she was and what she wanted, losing herself to whatever role she was asked to play — such as when my father demanded that she quit working to tend house — lit the fuse on her future self-destruction. "Life just didn't meet my expectations," she says with a laugh.

Still, she hadn't always been a drunk. Back when we lived in New Hope, PA, a funky, artsy town where she had real friends and access to like-minded, kooky creative types, she was happy. But then we moved to a competitive suburb in New Jersey. There, she was expected to do the coffee-klatch thing with the local June Cleaver wannabes, as she calls them, to dull her sharp intellect in order to play the dutiful role of stay-at-home wife to a workaholic husband and mother to a bunch of ungrateful kids. "There was nothing for me," she explains. "I thought, What am I doing here, taking up space on this earth? So I said, Okay, I can have a drink, and I can deal with this. Dinners were on the table, the house was kept up, and I met my obligations. Drinking was my little hobby. I don't know how else to put it — drinking was mine."

And so what I was seeing on my nightly recon mission, as she sat gesticulating furiously if silently in her chair, was all that corked-up pressure and pain exploding. At first, she restricted her drinking to the nightly blackout. She even went back to school for a master's degree in social work, thinking that a job would help pull her out of her black hole. But soon her mother died, my brother was in a serious motorcycle accident, and my father was diagnosed with cancer, then worked around the clock to save his company from bankruptcy. She was expected to deal with all of it, and her plans to do something for herself vanished. That's when she started chasing vodka during the day, and when our whole family turned our backs on her.

She spent the next six years in and out of rehab. "When I was in rehab, I'd run the place. I was a perfect student," she says. Every time she left, she hoped it would be different. But she didn't have a plan. There wasn't anything for her at home but loneliness and emptiness. So she opened the bottle again. And again.

I have no memories of my mother before she was an alcoholic, so I ask her what our relationship was like when I was a kid. This is the story she tells: Every evening, before bed — even though she wasn't comfortable doing what she calls the "coochy-coo thing" — she would ask me for a good-night kiss. And every evening, I would stand at a safe distance, turn my head, and offer her a bit of cheek. It was like I was daring her to jump over a huge wall and wrap me up in a great big bear hug. She never did it, and I never asked her to; she thought I didn't love her, and I thought she didn't love me. It was, she says, unmet needs and expectations, never given a voice, just like with her and her mother and the damned ice cream.

But instead of burying my needs like she had, I simply turned my back on her and melted into my dad's warm embrace. I needed hugs and affection, and he gave them to me — and an affectionate nickname ("Peanie," short for peanut) to boot.

I had given up on my mother well before she had given up on herself — our relationship had been broken long before I could blame it on booze. I remember looking over at her during my wedding five-and-a-half years ago as she sat laughing with my best friends, delighting them with her fabulously offbeat sense of humor. There she was in her beautiful mint green gown, chain-smoking Merits and clutching a sweaty glass of chardonnay. It didn't matter to me that she had managed to dance with a smile on her face even though my father had brought his new girlfriend — the one with whom he had hooked up before he left my mother for good — along with (though he had promised not to) her young kids. It didn't occur to me how unbelievably gracious she was being despite my having essentially cut her out of the whole wedding-planning process. No, what I saw in that stemware was yet another casually reneged promise to stay sober. And my heart broke.

About a year later, while I was busy living my own carefully constructed life, my husband and I found out that the baby I had carried in my belly for 18 weeks was plagued with irreparable genetic defects. We decided to terminate the pregnancy. I hadn't felt sadness and helplessness like that since I was a child.

I did not call my mother. But she called me, sobbing, after my brother told her what had happened, saying that she wanted to come help me. I told her not to, but she showed up on my doorstep anyway.

I think we both needed something bigger than us to get over ourselves, and that tragedy broke us down and brought us together in a way that we had never managed on our own. If it was a test, we both passed — my mother knew instinctively what her daughter needed, and I let her give it to me. "It was the first time you were there for me as the mother I needed," I said to her on the phone recently, choking up at the memory. "You even gave me a hug." My mother laughed, reminding me that I actually had to ask her for that hug, and I laughed through my tears along with her.

The truth is, I never would have embraced her if she hadn't quit drinking, which, in a bittersweet twist of irony, she had done on the down-low when she found out I was pregnant five months earlier. There were no rehabs, no interventions. For the first time, she says, she quit for herself. She quit drinking not because anyone was forcing her to, but because she wanted to have a relationship with my child, and she knew that she couldn't have both. It wasn't easy — though acupuncture helped with the physical withdrawal — but once she made the choice, that was that. She hasn't picked up a drink since.

Now she calls her "alcoholic episode" — all two decades of it — over and done. "It's not even a part of me anymore. That was my emptiness, my loneliness, my best friend. I'd rather have my grandkids than my other best friend." Part of me wants to say, "What about me? Why couldn't you quit for me?" But I don't want to get greedy.

Now, I schlep my sons down to visit their beloved Nana in Florida as often as I can. She has reinvented herself in the Sunshine State — playing bridge with the ladies in her condo complex, devouring esoteric books, and yakking with her astrologer. She bought a house that the grandkids would want to visit — near the playground and pool, even though she hates to swim. "I am getting what I want. I am me now, and I think that makes me free," she says.

And even though my mother lives alone, she's not lonely like she was when she lived with all of us. Sometimes, when she's out pulling weeds, she finds herself dancing. "And I'm good. I'm actually loose," she says. "And I'm thinking, I used to believe I had to drink to dance. I'm better sober."

I know that there is a good lesson in there for my friends and me, and I'm finally ready to hear it. Nobody said that life is fair. My mother felt squashed by not having any of her own choices; we feel overwhelmed by having too many. Being a woman is never easy, and these days we are pushed and pulled and stretched in a thousand different directions trying to be the wife, the mother, and the career woman. Tell your friends, my mom says, as they try to work out this impossible balancing act, not to forget to dance for themselves.

But there is something else that is just for me. A few days after we finished slogging through our tortured history, she called me up. "I've been really worried about you," she said. "I was afraid that these conversations have upset you, have hurt your feelings." Funny, I thought, I was really worried about your feelings. That is a first for us both.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 1 reply

Book Summary: Rules to Live By

Schirin — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 17:36:45 GMT

A set of "rules to live by" from Dale Carnegie: "How To Win Friends and Influence People"

To make people like you:
1. Become genuinely interested in other people
2. Smile
3. Remember that a person's name is the sweetest and most important sound to that person
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely

To win people to your way of thinking:
7. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
8. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say "you're wrong."
9. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
10. Begin in a friendly way
11. Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately
12. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
13. Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers
14. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view
15. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires
16. Appeal to the other person's nobler motives
17. Dramatize your ideas
18. Throw down a challenge (to encourage them to excel)

To be a good leader:
19. Begin with praise and honest appreciation
20. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly
21. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing other's mistakes
22. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
23. Let the other person save face
24. Praise the slightest and every improvement
25. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
26. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
27. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

A couple of great websites

marcus — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 00:56:10 GMT

www.middle-path.org
www.behavioraltech.com.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

Re -joined for a purpose

Paul Pavlakis — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 03:52:25 GMT

Hello every one, i used to be on this tribe about this time last year.

I'm In Recovery and doing alot better than the last few years, thanks to DBT, Individual therapy and meds. I am persuing my passion for writting and producing a play in sydney australia about BPD, to boost public awarness, and in short trying to bring about changes to make treatment more accessible and affordable for thoes unlucky enough to have experienced the effects of the disorder.

So i am posting to request any personal experiences that anyone would like to share, wether it be episodes of acting out, how the illness has made life difficult, and on the positive what has got you through or keeping you hopeful of making it out the other. side. ......any and all experiences welcome....doing my part to get the message out there..

regards,
Paul

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 17 replies

My previous profile name was - Pavlos

Paul Pavlakis — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 04:52:26 GMT

from australia male 28 years.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

causes

Carrie — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 16:43:17 GMT

Do most of you feel your BPD is rooted to one particular thing that happened to you in the past? Are you able to identify it? How much do you attribute the way you feel to environmental/external causes?

PS Hello! How's everyone doing?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 69 replies

Schirin

marcus — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 01:10:44 GMT

You have alot of helpfull, inspiring things to say. At the same time I've been thinking about this for awhile and I've come to the conclusion that I don't feel being in this tribe with you for a couple of reasons.

Number one, I feel uncomfortable when you overtly talk about God. You have every right to believe what you believe and your beliefs are a part of who you are at the same time though, speaking as Athiest, you present your beliefs as facts, which they are not. People with BPD are vulnerable people and I personally feel alot of self doubt at time. And to push your beliefs as facts - I just don't feel this is the approiate tribe for that.

Number two, I feel uncmfortable with the "I don't have BPD, but I'm supporter" thing. To me it's like if I (as a man) went to a feminist meeting or a gay (I'm straight) rally or African-American (I'm white) civil rights rally - I support all those issues, but I personally wouldn't feel saying much, because I'm simply not in there shoes. Plus I would need to know if they would be comfortable with me being in thier (political, emotional) space. Do you understand what I am saying?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 12 replies

I thought this was lovely

Schirin — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 21:21:13 GMT

http://www.theinnerchristmasmovie.com

Aside from the message it gives, some of the photos are really beautiful.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 1 reply

Worrying Makes You Cross the Bridge Before You Come to It

Schirin — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 19:45:57 GMT

Worrying Makes You Cross the Bridge Before You Come to It
by Harvey Mackay

Recently I saw a survey that says 40 percent of the things we worry about never happen, 30 percent are in the past and can't be helped, 12 percent concern the affairs of others that aren't our business, 10 percent are about sickness--either real or imagined-- and 8 percent are worth worrying about. I would submit that even the 8 percent aren't really worth the energy of worry.

Did you know that the English word worry is derived from an Anglo-Saxon word that means to strangle or to choke? That's easy to believe. People do literally worry themselves to death. . . or heart disease, high blood pressure, ulcers, nervous disorders and all sorts of other nasty conditions. Is it worth it?

Some folks seem to think this is a '90s phenomenon, but I've got news for you: advice about worry goes back as far as the Bible. We didn't invent it. We just need to find a way to keep it from ruling our lives.

I've been spending a lot of time in bookstores lately, in the middle of a 35-city book tour. From one coast to the other, north to south, some of the most popular self-help books concern worry, stress, and simplifying your life. I have a couple of favorite books to recommend.

First, an oldie. Dale Carnegie's "How To Stop Worrying and Start Living." It was first published in 1948, but the advice is just as fresh and valuable as it was then and is right-on for the new millennium. Being a chronic list maker, I found two sections that really knocked my socks off. Both were about business people trying to solve problems without the added burden of worrying. Carnegie credits Willis H. Carrier, whose name appears on most of our air conditioners, with these silver bullets:

Analyze the situation honestly and figure out what is the worst possible thing that could happen.
Prepare yourself mentally to accept the worst, if necessary.
Then calmly try to improve upon the worst, which you have already agreed mentally to accept.
Bingo! You can handle anything now. You know what you have to do; it's just a matter of doing it. Without worrying.

Another approach I like is a system put into practice at a large publishing company by an executive, named Leon. He was sick and tired of boring and unproductive meetings marked by excessive hand-wringing. He enforced a rule that everyone who wished to present a problem to him first had to submit a memo answering these four questions:
1. What's the problem?
2. What's the cause of the problem?
3. What are all possible solutions to the problem?
4. Which solution do you suggest?
Leon rarely has to deal with problems anymore, and he doesn't worry about them. He's found that his associates have used the system to find workable solutions without tying up hours in useless meetings. He estimates that he has eliminated three-fourths of his meeting time and has improved his productivity, health and happiness. Is he just passing the buck? Of course not! He's paying those folks to do their jobs, and he's giving them great training at decision-making.

Another little gem that's made its way to a #1 New York Times bestseller is Richard Carlson's "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and it's all small stuff." Of course, being an aphorism junkie and slave to short snappy chapters, I've found this book can improve perspective in 100 small doses. I love the chapter titles: "Repeat to Yourself, 'Life Isn't an Emergency,'" "Practice Ignoring Negative Thoughts," and my favorite, "Let Go of the Idea that Gentle, Relaxed People Can't Be Superachievers."

The point is you can't saw sawdust. A day of worry is more exhausting than a day of work. People get so busy worrying about yesterday or tomorrow, they forget about today. And today is what you have to work with.

I remember the story of the fighter who, after taking the full count in a late round of a brawl, finally came to in the dressing room. As his head cleared and he realized what had happened, he said to his manager: "Boy, did I have him worried. He thought he killed me."

Now that's putting the worry where it belongs.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 1 reply

And here we are again--

joyrochelle — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 22:55:33 GMT

Well no matter what-- I know what seems to be whats happening in me, and in my heart and head. So My psychiat. wants to state it more of a bipolar thing...whatever. I really think that with the intensity, rapidity and level of anger and depression that i get its def bpd. Not that I'm proud, but i ust want something tangible to go about helping myself---you know?

As in --"where're the BPD self help books? Ah-- here! ---Ok great. lets go...."

Any advice on how you do it? How do you improve that instant reactor in your gut that blasts you into madwoman101? eradicates the " ooohh- i 'm gonna claw you outta there you!" that pops up when you just cant stand yourself? and so on and so forth.....

go on with your bad self---help a grrl out.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 3 replies

hi

blake — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 13:21:17 GMT

hi i'm blake. i have bpd but mostly i post on the sites for disassociative identity disorder because i have that too.

i always have trouble with people. i don't let all that many into my life because i'm afraid of being hurt, but those i do let in i value so much. i love them with all of myself and want to see them, talk to them, just hear their voices. it makes me feel loved and i don't get to feel that very often.

but right now i feel like i am losing two people.

my sister is moving out. she and her boyfriend are renting a little flat together and leaving me. my sister is probably the person i talk the most to. i'm not sure if she realises how much she means to me. when i lie in bed at night, i feel safe knowing she is just in the room next door to me.
i am going to miss her so much.
i feel bad that i am so upset about it. i feel like i am being selfish because she wants to live with him and she will be so happy when they are together. but all i can think about is that i want her to stay with me.

the other person is my doctor. i see him twice a week. and now he is on holidays for a month. i am really dependent on him, i often call him when i am having thoughts of harming myself or when i have nightmares. but now he is gone away and it is like he doesn't like me any more. i can recognise that it isn't true, he is just having a holiday, but i have this little part of me that keeps saying he is glad to go to get away from me.

i am very lonely because of it all. the two people that i rely on the most for support are leaving me.
and i feel so selfish and self involved for wanting them to stay with me.

i know that part of bpd is having trouble with relationships. i know it. i just don't know what to do to fix it. what to do to stop feeling this way.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 23 replies

Borderline?

patrick_spatz — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 02:04:42 GMT

Borderline personality disorder. think about it.
It sounds to me like a doctor's way of saying, "Don't know whats wrong with you, but man are you fuck up!"

Just a thought
Patrick

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 6 replies

hi everyone

Carrie — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 03:23:50 GMT

Thank you for such wonderful honest posts. Many of them brought me to tears. Apologies up front that I am not technically a BPD, although I have experienced/am recovering from some of the same issues to some degree myself, having been suicidal and viewing people in very black and white terms, pushing people away and experiencing issues with abandonment. Shirin, your words are so encouraging. I found this group made a lot more sense than the non-BPD groups. I identified with so much of what you're saying. I'm writing because I love someone I believe has BPD. I see that he is dealing with so much more pain that I could ever know. I know what a truly gentle and wonderful person he is, but I don't always know how to react when he directs his rage fully at me. I know enough not to take it too personally, or leave him, or cry or get upset. I see how vulnerable he is when he is raging, and that it's not really at all about me. I do feel he is often testing my boundaries. I often combat it with reassurances, but it seems to fuel the fire. I don't think that I can "cure" him - I see that he is dealing with an overwhelming daily pain that will probably never completely go away, but I was wondering about ways for me to react that would be the best for him. I feel the non-BPD groups are sometimes focused too much on the pain caused by the BPD person to the non-BPD person. While I do feel pain when he suddenly withdraws from me, overall he makes me happy or I wouldn't want to be with him, so I am mainly concerned about his pain. I realize it is in his hands, but I am looking for ways for me to react that would soften his rage, or at least not add to it. He is not a member here but maybe he'd appreciate your help setting me straight on how to react in a healthy way. I sincerely hope no one is offended that I am writing here or that I've oversimplified things. I deeply love him and identify with much of his pain myself. If you'd rather not respond to me, I would understand, but I'm hoping someone might at least have a suggestion of where I should go other than the well-meaning folks at BPDCentral (sorry). I hope no one here gives up hope. From what I've seen of every single member here, you are courageous, thoughtful, wonderful people. I don't mean that to be condescending. You are inspiring to me, and you give me hope for my own issues and his. THANK YOU.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 16 replies

What you need to know about BPD

Schirin — Sun, 13 Jun 2004 00:50:49 GMT

Hello. Over a one year period I studied BPD and compiled a list of typical statements that people with BPD make to themselves. At it's core, mental illness is truly all lies believed about oneself. I urge all who suffer from mental illness to start speaking out loud the good, blessed things in your life. Even if not true at the time, the act of speaking what you want, and will be, makes your statements come true! We are all energy...put out into the world what you want and it will come to you!

For your reference, I the following two message boards that have the best information on it: www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com and www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/index.html

Typical statements of the Borderline:

I can't maintain a relationship. The "honeymoon" stage is ecstatically grand, but then I find a reason to resent them and despise them.

I don't know how I'll feel from one minute to the next. I might be giddy and ready to party, or I might be extremely angry because of something ridiculously trivial.

The tiniest mistake makes me feel like a failure.

I'm not suicidal now, but I have been.

I seek attention of a sexual nature, want to be desired, but then get upset because I think they only want sex, not me as a person.

Me acting out may be a pain in the butt for everyone around me, but at times it's my only release.

Sometimes I think the only reason I'm still alive is that I'm afraid I'd screw up trying to kill myself and then I'd be disabled or in a vegetative state and I'd be forced to live inside my own mind.

Depression isn't my problem. Sometimes I am depressed. But it's a symptom, not the problem.

It's either all good or all bad, sometimes both in the same day.

When promises are made and not kept, even trivial ones, like, "I'll see you tonight at 7" I get very, very hurt, and tantrums would ensue.

I can look back on things that I do and see them as irrational, but when I ’m in the situation, tangled up in all my emotions, rational is not even in the picture.

I sometimes say hurtful things out of the blue, without realizing I said them.

When I break up with someone, I completely avoid all of my feelings so I won ’t have to deal with them.

I ’m very selfish and believe at times that the world circles around me alone and everyone else is outside that circle until I allow them access to my world.

Once I have sex with someone I can no longer trust them.

I need validation and am very sensitive to invalidation.

When I go into a rage it ’s like being possessed and it is so frightening that I will do almost anything to stop feeling that way.

When I feel really good I have this lurking feeling that any little thing could mess it up.

Sometimes I can ’t recall the “good times. ”

Sometimes I see people as either “all bad ”or “perfect. ”

I would like to be able to trust people, enough to tell them my problems, but I fear that they ’re going to be judgmental.

I would love to have someone in my life that could UNDERSTAND my problems instead of just offering useless advice (e.g. "cheer up, you ’ll get over it").

I sometimes wear a fake smile to mask the true misery that overpowers me.

I build walls around myself and don ’t let anyone in because I am afraid.

I've been told from a number of people trying to "help" me that I am the only person that can make myself happy, but it seems to me that it would be SO much easier to find someone for the chance of happiness, rather than search the chasm within myself for something that doesn't exist.

It takes a long time for me to trust someone, because I can never really accept that somebody would like a person like me. And then I always begin to think that they will leave me anyway.

I cannot respect myself when I feel that I am not independent.

I wish I could say what was on my mind, but pride and fear —of abandonment, of rejection —keep me from opening my mouth.

I don't know what my emotions are much of the time and I don't want to know and I often feel ashamed for having the ones I recognize.

I'm afraid to be vulnerable.

Sometimes it seems it's stupid to NOT give up, but later I am always glad I got through it.

I am terrified of abandonment, so I will push you away.

I feel like I ’m in a little box cutting me off from the outside world. Part of me wants to stay inside where pain is not allowed, but other days I want to kick and scream until the box shatters.

My anger is intense but I also love equally intensely.

Self-destructive thoughts pop into my mind at the oddest times and stick there. Some examples: Why not speed up and drive into something? Why not start screaming hysterically at the store when someone pisses me off? I never really intend to follow them through.

No one feels anything for me, yet I feel everything for them. I try not to feel, and I try not to like anyone. They will all stop loving me, so I should never love them. I don't want to be alone, but I am no matter what. I cannot trust anyone, and I let my imagination control who they are, what they do, and how they feel. But mostly I am tired. Tired of crying, tired of feeling empty. Tired of fighting myself, and finding no solution.

I feel like people feel bad things about me and don't tell me. I feel like I'm going to be caught off guard and hurt

Even when I'm with people I know, I feel I have to fake it to belong. I faked my way through school, work, everything. I've acted my way through life. I feel as if I constantly have to keep up a front in order to appear to fit in, yet I never really do.

When I get mad enough I really CAN'T think - I'm running on pure instinct and attacking verbally. At that time all I really want is the chance to get into a corner by myself to calm down and regain control. If I'm NOT left alone I just get more out of control until I really can't see or think.

I know when I'm in one of my "rages," I hate myself more than anything, and I am feeling like no one should love me, that I don't deserve it, so I scream at my loved ones to get them to leave me alone —but if they do, I'm begging them to come back.

I find it incredibly hard to really and truly trust anyone. They have to prove to me that they can be trusted, and not just once. If that trust looks like it's been betrayed even a little, then it FEELS like a lot and it makes me extremely upset and angry (e.g. if you say you'll do something for me and you don't do it; if you lie to me about anything; if you go behind my back even 'for my own good').

I am afraid that you will abandon me when I need you the most. So one way to keep myself safe is to push you away and to MAKE you leave before I've invested too much into our relationship and put too much trust on your shoulders. If I toss everything I've got at you and you DON'T leave, then you become a 'safe person' and I know that you'll be there for me whatever I do. It's a kind of security that I desperately need.

In a kind of contradictory thing, if I really trust you and feel safe with you, then you become a safe person to show my emotions to, and that includes the negative, angry, rageful ones. I have to show them sometimes, and I trust that you'll be able to 'take it' and to see the real needy desperate me underneath the words. But a betrayal by somebody 'safe' hurts so much more than it does from somebody I haven't let inside... and the reaction is likely to be that much greater. On the good side, if you stay through all of this and DON'T run away and DON'T abandon me and DON'T let my angry words create a space between us, then eventually I will stop testing you because I really will feel secure and loved and nurtured by you. So the incidence of anger should drop gradually, especially since I'm working on the process of healing and learning to handle the anger better WITHOUT taking it out on anyone around me.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 44 replies

depersonalization

marcus — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 00:07:04 GMT

Does anyone else feel it? How does one get over it?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 1 reply

WHERE THE HECK IS EVERYONE? YOU ALL STILL ALIVE?

Ally — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 15:16:07 GMT

I am rather dissappointed that no one has been answering anything in the threads...i have recently returned to tribe, and as a moderator, that is essential- but no one seems to be here....unrequited love....im very dissappointed...all my love...xxxxxxxxx Ally blessed be!

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 13 replies

crickets

Schirin — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 08:23:53 GMT

Been awfully quiet around here lately. If anyone cares to join us, I have been spending quite a bit of time in the Depression Help tribe. You can link there through my profile.

Best wishes,
Schirin

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 2 replies

Encouragement

Schirin — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 19:41:25 GMT

I just watched this story of this woman, Vicki, who was a cutter. She had been molested by her mother's b-f and then, sadly, her own brother who learned from that man. She tried everything to stop the pain: medications, cutting, burning herself, avoided men...but it wasn't until she walked into church and found that her desires to cut stopped for a few hours that she thought, "hmmm...maybe there IS something to this God-thing." She read about someone that Jesus healed that cut himself with rocks and got very angry, screaming at God if you did it for him, do it for me! Over the next year she went to church once a week and her cravings went away. She is now married and has a son and has written a book about her experiences receiving her life back. She is living proof, it can stop.

www.endallthepain.com/BookInfo.html

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

My book is out and features several borderline characters!

Serena — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 11:00:16 GMT

It's called Evangeline And The Drama Wheel and it's available here:
http://www.lulu.com/content/1153339
It's a quick read (116 pages, literary fiction) and the story also addresses bipolar disorder. I have both of these illnesses, which makes it easier for my characters to reflect real sufferers/survivors, and the plot is illustrative of what many of us go through.

Description:

Evangeline and The Discarnates aren't always ready for the road but the road is even less prepared for this feral band of subcultural hybrids. Hop on their crazy caravan and experience the fantastic, magical and dysfunctional intrigues of players so strange, seductive and hilarious that you'll almost wish they'd crash on YOUR living room floor. Follow them through scandals, fits of passion, contract offers, death, infidelity, bipolar disorder, kidney donation and the sex industry. If you're just the right kind of "awake and aware", these talented misfits might snatch you up, hustle you into a smelly van and shuttle you off to freedom. Pre-apocalyptic survivalism has never sounded so delirious: this is no ordinary goth band and theirs is like no tour on earth.

If you do buy a copy, please let me know what you think of how I portrayed "us" and if you enjoyed the novella.

Thanks!
Serena Toxicat

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

Self-Abuse...besides the cutting.

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 22:42:21 GMT

In several of these threads, I have read comments by Persons, and in the body of their post-reply, I get the idea that they,"Cut."

I myself, do not cut, but being what I am, whatevr that is, I become so frustrated with myself, those around me,
and the situations I consistantly, and helplessly place myself in, that I have, however infrequently, taken to "Beatting myself up."

I mean I hit mysef..hard. I've brokne my nose more times than I care to remember.
does anyone else do this???

The last time I did this, I smashed a frying pan right into the top of my head...
On the + side, most, if not all of my psychotic symptoms went away, but on the down side, I had two black eyes, and a horrible headache
for 6 weeks.

So, if your not a cutter, but still physically abusive towards yourself...Please tell me about it.
If it's too embarrassing, send me a P/M and it'll stay between us.
I just want to know if there are others out there like me.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 26 replies

Rejection

10Carolyn10 — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 13:07:15 GMT

Why does just that word hurt so much? I feel rejected by everyone lately. I've felt rejection from childhood. I've been told it is perseeved rejection but what the hell...it hurts anyways.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 4 replies

Book Recommendation

Schirin — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 04:26:24 GMT

I highly recommend this book I'm reading called Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping. It can change your life, helping you to release victim thinking. I too have suffered from victim thinking in the past, and am learning to alter myself. This will show you how to 'see' what's going on beneath the surface of your interactions with people so you can feel the love that is being offered to you everyday through even painful circumstances. It provides you with tools for letting go of emotional baggage of the past and feel joy in surrending to life as it unfolds.

http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Forgiveness-Making-Room-Miracle/dp/0970481411/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-0210801-6700139?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189225568&sr=8-1

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 1 reply

help

Bev — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 04:53:15 GMT

~Thats what my life has been lately since april. I'll explan it all in april i went to where i'm from to see my dad and found out that he's homeless and has a drink once in a while . Then comes june 9th ( one of the worst days in my life) My best guy freind killed his dad.( dont feel like geting in to alot of detal right now hard subject still) Then tonight my dad calls me and he's drink and he's telling me that he's been bad again latley ( and that means he's back in ot a) doing hard drugs that will kill him cuse he's got a inlarged heart or b) he's selling them again or c) BOTH :( he was a recovering alcoholic i dont know what to do please help but keep in mind i live 12 hours away from him

~So i had a miscarriage back in Feburary and now it's coming up to the time i'd be due ( i was due in september.) And now i'm sad becuse i know that if i didn't have a miscarriage i'd be having a baby soon. I'm only 20 and i relay want to have a child all my friends have one or more and i feel so hurt becuse i could have had that and i dont know what i did to loss it. the guy who's child is was knows that i had a miscarriage buti never told him it was his but he knows he told his ex that he knew it was his. then my kinda b/fr dosn't under stand how i feel about the miscarriage . i told him about it becuse him and i started dating right befor i had it and you know what he said to me he said " how can you tell me you love me when your carrying someone elses baby" that hurts . now he thinks i'm nuts that i want to have a baby so young . i dont know how to feel about this all. i'm sad cuse i would be having a baby but i had a miscarriage but i also what to have a baby and settal down

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 3 replies

What does it mean?

Fri, 11 May 2007 17:58:13 GMT

I have a friend who is a clinical psychologist who says he thinks I might have mild BPD. He qualifies this by saying he is to close and cannot accurately diagnose because we are friends.

So, I looked up BPD on the web and from the description I thought maybe I do kind of have it. But, what the heck do I do with that? Is this something that can be cured without me having to be on drugs the rest of my life? Where do I go for treatment? Why the hell didn't all my previous counselors figure this out? I have no health insurance, so I'll have to use state or county services.

Also, why do I have this? He thinks it is because of trauma, which feels right to me. I think was normal the first few years of my life.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 5 replies

how long didi it take

joyrochelle — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 02:41:17 GMT

for someone to finally say that you have bpd? how may other treatment courses and all that did you have to go through? depression, dysthymia, dbl depression (whatever the fuck that is), bippolar two type symptoms,,,anxiety ...blah blah blah. why doesnt anyone want to treat it-- i mean that is obvious enough, but can we call it waht it is and then go from there?? it waxes and wanes surely-- but for when it flares up- it is near unbearable- cant believe i have what i have in fron tof me regarding my responsibilities and all--- how can i have this?? i cant cut it. didnt they get the memo?? how can it play such a game on me? i go really well for some time and then i start to lose it-- my poor husband. he didint know what he was in for! heh-- i guess i swerved from my original posting topic--- a bit aggravated right now.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

Different types of relationships...

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 19:17:21 GMT

I'll try to keep this short. My problem, for as long as I can remember is that I act/feel/am called crazy in relationships that are intimate (boyfriend/girlfriend types) but I have great, long-term friendships and I do great in school and get along with my family pretty well. It's just the boyfriend/girlfriend thing where my insanity seems to come out.

So my questions are this...does anybody else have this experience? Because according to BPD diagnosis, we're supposed to have this behavior across ALL relationships.

And secondly, if we are experiencing this, is it truly "insanity" or "personality" issue? I mean, don't the truly insane/personality disordered act the same no matter who they're around? You can't turn on/off insanity, can you? I am working on my masters in psychology and I've never heard of this.

I am mostly curious to hear if you guys have certain people/types of relationships that trigger your "insane" behavior?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 4 replies

Anybody else the child of a narcissist out here?

Laurie AE — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 21:18:12 GMT

It was pointed out to me today by my new therapist that hey, Mom seems an awful lot like a narcissist. (Yeah, you betcha). And the word "sociopath" also came up. (Hey, them's fightin' words!) I conceded that yes, she certainly fit the definition of a narcissist, in that as a parent was utterly UNAWARE of the effects her controlling, invasive, dominating, and constantly-evaluating behavior had on me. (It felt an awful lot like self-aggrandizement to me at the time ... like "I matter most, you are completely sublimated to my wishes and will"). She was positively impervious to my *actual* needs (as opposed to the ones she imposed upon me), and would (then and now) fall on the floor at the mere suggestion that ANYTHING she did as a parent might POSSIBLY be construed as hurtful or harmful.

Oh no, not HER. Not the perfect mother!

Even down to this day, she cannot see where and when she might have hurt me ... she can own some vague sense of not having "been perfect" at times, but as for particulars? Uh, no. Trying to talk about this with her now would be like trying to give a leopard a facial.

I've feared for years that I'd turn out like her, no matter how hard I tried to avoid it ... ironically, I got a different personality disorder. (Variety is the spice!) But I do believe having an NPD mom predisposed me to my eventual psych conditions (which I will not, right now, call illnesses ... darn it, I need a rest from them, if only for a few hours).

Anybody else grow up feeling this way about one or both parents? Ever felt a "love/hate" thing towards said parent(s)? I need to hear from others about this ... and I really do think there is probably, for at least some people, a link between this kind of parenting and developing BPD. For all I know there's been a lot of research done on this, and it's just waiting out there for me to unearth it for myself.

To that end, here is some related reading the book "Adult Children of Narcissists and Their Search for Self":

"This figure of paradox needs to be regarded as perfect by all. To achieve this, he or she constructs an elaborate persona (a social mask which is presented to the world). The persona needs an appreciative audience to applaud it. If enough people do so, the narcissist is relieved that no one can see through his disguise. The persona is a defensive schema to hide behind, like the false-front stores on a Western movie set. When you peer behind the propped-up wall, you find . . . nothing. Similarly, behind the grandiose parading, the narcissist feels empty and devoid of value.

Because his life is organized to deny negative feelings about himself and to maintain an illusion of superiority, the narcissist's family is forcibly conscripted into supporting roles. They have no other option if they wish to get along with him. His mate must be admiring and submissive to keep the marriage going and his children will automatically mold themselves into any image that is projected upon them.

Here the tragedy begins. A narcissist cannot see his children as they are but only as his unconscious needs dictate. He does not question why his children are incredibly wonderful (better than anyone else's) or intolerably horrible (the worst in all respects) or why his view of them ricochets from one extreme to another with no middle ground. It is what they are.

When he is idealizing them, he sees their talents as mythic, an inflation that indicates they are being used as an extension of his grandiose self. When he hates them and finds their characteristics unacceptable, he is projecting hated parts of himself onto them. Whether idealizing or denigrating, he is entirely unaware that what he sees is a projection and that his views are laying a horrible burden on his child.

. . . .

The offspring of narcissists grow up fulfilling their assigned roles. They may sense that they are in a state of falsehood, but do not know what to do about feelings of nonauthenticity. They try all the harder to become what they are supposed to be, as if their feelings of uneasiness come from an improper realization of their role. If their parents see them as miserably deficient, from the shape of their bodies to the power of their minds, that is what they become. If they were portrayed to themselves as great muckamucks, especially if they have innate ability to fulfill a powerful role, they become the movers and shakers of society.

At heart, children of narcissists, raised up or cast down by the ever-evaluating parent, feel themselves to be less than nothing because they must 'be' something to earn their parents' love. Conditional love offers no support for the inner self. It creates people who have no personal sense of substance or worth. Nourished on conditional love, children of narcissists become conditional. They find themselves unreal."

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 11 replies

any one understand the connection with BPD & the limbic system?

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 06:06:15 GMT

Does anyone know how to strengthen and develop these areas of the brain that may be underdeveloped......attached is a brief article that makes sense....prolonged feelings of depression lead to atrophy of the frontal parts of the brain.......which would explain why alot of the time i get so confussed and disorientated.....and can't seem to maintain object constancy......

BACKGROUND: Dual frontolimbic brain pathology has been suggested as a possible

correlate of impulsivity and aggressive behavior. One previous study reported volume loss of the hippocampus and the amygdala in patients with borderline personality disorder. We measured limbic and prefrontal brain volumes to test the hypothesis that frontolimbic brain pathology might be associated with borderline personality disorder. METHODS: Eight unmedicated female patients with borderline personality disorder and eight matched healthy controls were studied. The volumes of the hippocampus, amygdala, and orbitofrontal, dorsolateral prefrontal, and anterior cingulate cortex were measured in the patients using magnetic resonance imaging volumetry and compared to those obtained in the controls. RESULTS: We found a significant reduction of hippocampal and amygdala volumes in borderline personality disorder. There was a significant 24% reduction of the left orbitofrontal and a 26% reduction of the right anterior cingulate cortex in borderline personality disorder. Only left orbitofrontal volumes correlated significantly with amygdala volumes. CONCLUSIONS: While volume loss of a single brain structure like the hippocampus is quite an unspecific finding in neuropsychiatry, the patterns of volume loss of the amygdala, hippocampus, and left orbitofrontal and right anterior cingulate cortex might differentiate borderline personality disorder from other neuropsychiatric conditions.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 1 reply

Resumes ..mmm!

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 10:46:16 GMT

does anyone elses resume look as scattered as mine? i've worked in more industries than most people i know with heaps of experience but never sat long enough to get any where.

now i'm getting a feel for what i would be suited to in the way of work, but have skills in unrelated fields, so my question is this.....

has anyone ever made one up from scratch.....we all embelish a bit but i mean totally reinvent themselves? In order to get an interview.....?

i figure that not having an identity has come at a cost, may as well have some fun and just vreate the work experience we would have liked to have had.....?

(within reason i mean you'd soon get found out trying to land an aeroplane, not having the skills but something you think you could pull off, hit the ground running so to speak)

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 5 replies

got to laugh

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 11:09:11 GMT

wnat to join a recruitment agency......if only i had an idea of what inductry i want/suited too....

so fustrating.......just got to wait it out ....

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 1 reply

Becoming too attached?

Tammy — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 20:27:31 GMT

So I have a good friend who has recently come back into my life since a period apart. She is a truly postive person and help for me. I have filled her in on all that has been going on in my life (changes in me from borderline and bipolar) and she is still by my side. Apparently, she doesn't scare easily and has assured me that she is not going anywhere. This is huge for me, yet very difficult at the same time. After being burned so badly, I cannot let myself become emotionally attached to anyone and I still put up my walls. I am scared that I will mess this up, too. I am scared to rely on her support too much in fear that I may become dependent and too attached. I cannot do that again. I cannot let myself go there and destoy both someone else and myself. I have, in fear of being a shock and abandoned later, told her basically everything in a very matter of fact way. SHe says that she still cares about me and will continue to be supportive. I only hope and am afriad that I will mess things up all over again - hurt someone else and experience the abandonment that I have come to expect. I just don't know if I should be the one to pull away and put a stop to the growing friendship.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 3 replies

lifes gathering momentum.....

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 09:19:35 GMT

things are getting better at last.....i can't believe i havn't had a downer for over a week.....the longest period ever.....i've committed to a course and getting over social phobia.......there is hope........

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 2 replies

This weekend...

Tammy — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 15:07:04 GMT

I don't really know why but this upcoming birthday is somewhat triggering me. Well, I suppose I kind of know why. Birthdays are always important to me, whether it's someone elses or my own. Not that i like to make a big deal of my own by any means, I just feel as though they are special. This year I am just taken back and feeling pretty badly about myself. I've spent the past few with someone who really cared me and wanted my day to be sepcial. Someone who I was just incredibly excited to spend my day with. I don't have that this year and it makes me sad. With all of the changes in and around me, the issues I am facing and the person I have become, I guess I don't feel special or worth celebrating so much. I don't want to think about it, I want to ignore it and I don't want it to come. Too bad that those things won't happen.

The single thing that I want for my birthday is for this person to call, text or in some way simply acknowedge my birthday. That's all that I want. Too bad that I know it won't happen. As I told my therapist yesterday, I can feel a huge explosion coming on because of this. I have been struggling and holding back for so long and I can just feel that this will set me over the edge. I'm scared of what will/won't happen and i'm scared of myself. I guess we'll just see.

I've been struggling with my focus at work. I am able to get my job accomplished but I procrastinate, don't have the same zeal and don't put as much into what I am doing as I recently did. I have get one of my dips - I'm depressed, iritable, frustrated, sad, lonely - that I too often cycle into. Yay! Today, my psychiatrist uped all of my meds. That's fun. We'll see what it does.

I'm just tired of the ups and downs - well, moderates and downs. I'm tired of the persistant, obsessive, racing thoughts. I'm tired of being haunted by who I once was and all of the mistakes I now recognize that these illnesses lead me to make and act on. I feel nothing like myself, but I suppose I have come to know that I have lost that person. That's sad to me. God, I'm just tired. Oh well...

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 1 reply

BPD dangers for children?

pablo — Thu, 31 May 2007 21:37:18 GMT

I am writing this as a concerned parent.
In 2000 my ex-wife was diagnosed with BPD after an apparent drug overdose.Before she checked herself into a mental hospital she signed over custody of our 3 children to me ,this was done with her attorney and the wording in the legal document was very vague.
she had told us of her diagnosis as well as informing us that her parents were both alcoholics and her mother was narcissistic.She also claimed herself as a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.
In 2005 we relocated (my current wife and kids) after hurricane Katrina flooded our house.We had many problems with her after she checked herself out and this was no exception as she demanded to take custody back as "we could not give them a stable home enviorment since we decided to move them across country".Never mind that moving was not our choice.With this new problem we decided to go back to court to firmly establish custody.
During the subsequent custody battle she claimed to have been miss diagnosed and denied ever being addicted to drugs or alcohol,with a counselor backing up the claim(it was discovered during her deposition that she lied to the counselor during his diagnosis).After all was said and done we ended up with split legal custody, with my wife and I having primary custody and my ex having visitation during holidays and summer.
The question I have is if my ex has decided to ignore her diagnosis and is self medicating as she had stated she is a social drinker and had a script for oxycodone, what danger does she pose to my kids ,she is already insulting the oldest on a daily basis(we think she blames him for losing the court case) .Please don't misunderstand I want my kids to know their mother ,but I am concerned that her visits might pose a psychological risk to the kids.
Do I have a reason to be concerned?
thank you

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 18 replies

Unloveable?

Tammy — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 18:14:49 GMT

I have been truly struggling with something...How is it possible for someone to love and care about us, I mean truly, whole-heartedly, honestly love us then turn a cold, hardened heart towards us as if we never mattered at all? Are we really that terrible? Are we really that worthless? This doesn't make sense to me, not at all. Are we so horrible, worthless, crazy and screwed up that we are unloveable?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 13 replies

Is There Really Any Help Out There?

10Carolyn10 — Sat, 26 May 2007 18:32:39 GMT

I am sure I have BPD and know for sure I am bipolar, have depression and suicidal thoughts. I seem to not have the help I need and find no corners to turn lately. I am too old to look much more into the future for happiness and yet I have a 5 year old I cannot leave behind.
Desperation is a part of my daily routine as well as sitting in my room not ever leaving it except to go the bathroom. I had to move home to my mothers house because of other issues, a mother that does and always has openly hated me. She reminds me daily with her verbal abuse. I have no real income except wellfare which is a drop in a bucket and nowhere else to go. I am loosing hope and loosing faith rapidly and don't know where to turn. Death is the only real option except for my daughter. I cannot leave her to live with strangers which is what would happen if I were to "check-out".
Sorry about posting this, just am getting deperate.
I fit the definition of the Boarderline to a tee. What to do now?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 7 replies

Dealing With Big Changes, Sense of Reality, Feeling Nothing Has Changed

MedusaHeart — Thu, 24 May 2007 13:46:22 GMT

Does anyone here ever feel like everything is the same even after a major change? Allow me to give a personal example. My father abandoned me when I was 12, going on 13. Now, you'd think this would be really painful. It was as though it was not a big deal. It didn't really feel like life had changed that much, I don't think. Now, dad didn't live with us then, anyway, but I did see him regularly before this.

Well, when my grandmother died a few years ago, although I was sorry she had passed, things did not feel like they had changed. To express the extent of how weird this is, you should know that she lived with my mother and I. Now, she had moved into another house shortly before she passed (rather shortly.....maybe a month) because she didn't want us to associate our house with the place of her death. Anyway, she just moved next door. Now, true, I spent a lot of time in my room, but still, I saw her every day, and also, as long as she lived in our actual house, I heard her up and about sometimes. I would walk out of my room and she would be in the living room or kitchen. So, I seen her every day, even when she moved next door, and when she was here, even when we weren't in the same room, I was aware of her presence. Then, she was gone. Strangely, it did not seem odd to me that she was not next door on her porch or in the house.....nor that she was not in our house in the living room, the kitchen, or the bathroom, or her bedroom. Nowehere. It felt almost as though that was how it had always been. However, once while talking about her death on the phone shortly after her death, upon saying something like, "since Mamma died," I suddenly felt strange as though I had said somethign very wrong. I had to think about what I had said and realized I had said somethignabout her dieing. "Yes," I thought, "that's right."

Also, after a break up of a serious relationship, on a couple ocassions I found myself waking up or falling asleep, somewhere between dream and wakefulness stages, feeling strange, feeling somewaht as though we should still be together and that it felt strange that we were not, although in waking hours and most night and mornings (during that strange state), even, I had accepted this, although I hated the idea. I knew it was true, but in those hours, a few times, it seemed so strange.

I used to think I was heartless and dead inside, but now sometimes I think that things don't strike me as real.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 2 replies

Evil, Monsters, Demons, and Faces of Me

MedusaHeart — Thu, 24 May 2007 14:03:55 GMT

Does anyone here associate with evil, monsters, demons, or anything of the sort? I mean, you don't have to like these things, but do you ever feel you are evil, you are a monster, or you're a demon or something? Do you feel connected to some great evil? Anything similar?

I always have....ever since I was a child. I hate myself for it, but it is the way it is. Sometimes I was/am afraid (especially in the past) that children and animals and psychically sensitive people could sense it. I have actually had a person or two I considered sensitive to tell me that I was hard to read. I wonder what this means. I actually read on some BPD site a long time ago, something about people close to them saying they were hard to read. Could this explain it? I think they meant something different, though. I'm confused. I don't know. Also, babies always cry when I hold them. Sometimes, I think maybe they know.

I know I don't have MPD, but sometimes I describe myself like different people, but I am just reffering to different aspects of myself. Sometimes when talking about myself, or rather pieces of my personality, I say "she" and "her." Do you all do this even if you know you are just one person and you know you don't have MPD? I used to say she or her when reffering to my childhood self. Sometimes I still do. To me, there is also Good Medusa, Decent Medusa (really I don't know if I am ever good, so usually I refer to these as one in the same Good/Decent), then there is Bad Medusa and Devil Medusa. I think of myself as a monster, all in all, but she is the worst of all the me's, worse even than Bad Medusa, who is horrible enough. Devil Medusa only appears on rare ocassions to let the rest of us know she's still there. Bad Medusa is even disgusted by her.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 2 replies

Curious

10Carolyn10 — Wed, 23 May 2007 19:04:38 GMT

How is BPD diagnosed? I have bipolar I disorder and absolutely believe I may also have BPD.
What is the treatment if any?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 2 replies

hey all...first bit of song, not last line...hug to all

Ally — Wed, 23 May 2007 21:33:02 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phEQ0KkWsKc

blessed be......

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

Double Diagnosis: BPD and Bipolar II?

Laurie AE — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 12:14:19 GMT

Howdy,

I have, in the past six months, been given the diagnosis of both BPD and Bipolar (type II, with depression as the prominent feature + periods of hypomania).

I can certainly see a long (couple of decades' worth) record of evidence for both in my life, but what I have trouble with -- since it's all so new to me (having been diagnosed as "only" having recurrent major depression for the past 20 years) -- is parsing out the symptoms of one from another ... when are my symptoms BPD and when are they Bipolar?

I suppose this classification doesn't necessarily promise a great deal of fixing (I know I'll never be "fixed", not after so many years of trying this, that and the other thing) but I am such a "classifier" that the tendency is there ...

My real topic here, the questions are: Does anybody else have both of these diagnoses, and how do you understand them as different but perhaps also the same (e.g. the overlap)? Because I definitely feel like there's some overlap.

Thanks for reading my wordiness! I can get myself very tangled up in verbiage sometimes :).

T.L.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 6 replies

meltdown !!

Bev — Sun, 13 May 2007 03:55:10 GMT

ok my worlds falling apart i dont know how to deal with it. I realy need my boyfreind here right now but he works all over and lives in edmonton that 5 hours away from me:( and thats not easy to deal with to top it off i jsut found out my dad's homeless one of thouse that have no place to sleep if he dosent get i a shelter he sleeps on the street i need help i dont know what to do i've been to sick cuse of the stress and my doc wont lission to me he jsut keeps giving my pain pills but nuthign ot truly help plesae help me

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 7 replies

hEY aLL

Ally — Sat, 19 May 2007 15:23:25 GMT

Ally here...i have missed you sorely and would like to apologise for my absence...it was due to tribe being blocked from the computer i use...but, i will do my best to check in and if anyone needs to get hold of me, i have posted my details in a blog...take care all, missing you and loving you so...

blessed be!

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

Does Honesty Work?

Sun, 13 May 2007 02:37:02 GMT

Just wondering if anyone here has ever explained to someone at the beginning of a romantic relationship that they had BPD. And if so, how did that go? I've never taken that approach, but I am beginning to wonder if that might just be best.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 8 replies

Reclaiming childhood

Sun, 13 May 2007 02:47:53 GMT

Did something different last week. Ballet class....used to train at it for years several times a week and was very good at it. somthing interesting happened. i felt doing somthing i used to do well as a kid, made me feel confident i got a sense mastery that helped offset unpleasent emotions.

has anyone else ever had a similar experience. done some stuff you did as kids and reclaim it for yourselves as an adult....i'd be interested to know if anyone felt relief doing it.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 3 replies

I'm not diagnosed but...

ZadesMom — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 15:09:28 GMT

Is anyone here self-diagnosed? I know that can be a dangerous thing, but when I sit here and read what you guys are feeling, and when I look at all the symptoms of BPD, that's me. It's me all over it.
I just want it to stop. I always thought it was everyone else around me, the way they treated me, that made my world like this. But now I'm with a very good man, and all I do is hurt hurt hurt him and myself. And I can't stop it. When I start being mean and manipulative, it's like my eyes glaze over and I'm someone else. It's as if me being so mean is essential to my being. But then afterwards, after I hang up the phone and realize what I've just said, I am completely worthless. Empty.
And I can't go to the doctor for this. I have insurance now, but I'm moving to another state in a month. I know that in the town I live, it takes ages to get an appointment with a psychologist or therapist. And besides, why start with one if I'm moving?
Can one deal with this without going to the doctor?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 5 replies

new start

Esther — Tue, 08 May 2007 12:38:56 GMT

ok well after 2 breakdowns in 2 weeks time a good friend of my boyfriends mom that has been depressed half of his life (20 years) and has taken all possible drugs meds and stuff opened my eyes. he wasnt really nice to me. witch came as a shock but then he explained and we watched a movie ( the secret) about how you can reach anything if you really believe in it. he told me to go stand in front of a mirror and love myself ( not fisicaly but mentaly) and well i just couldnt. if hated myself almost all my life and people only confirmed that. but i'm doing so much beter now. i made a list of things i want to achieve and how i am going to do that. i really am doing better now. i made a new start. cryd with my boyfriend a lot and now i'm going for it.
i told my school i'm dropping out to do something i do like ( another school thats for sure) because this school and class is really to much for me. i only do what I want to do and i hope all of you will get to do the same.
i am going to try really hard thistime. its time to get happy!!!!!
i refuse to be depressed any longer.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 4 replies

Scaired of DCL

patrick_spatz — Thu, 03 May 2007 02:52:05 GMT

So after years of either using the Library or whatever job I was at I've gotten myself a DCL line. Strange thing is, I'm a little bit scaired. You see that was my last excure for being in icelation. If I stil can't reach out for people I've got nothing left to blame but myself. And I'm realy realy good at blaming myself!

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

I need help

Schirin — Tue, 01 May 2007 05:31:19 GMT

My business partner and I have suffered and struggled for our business for 3 years now. I tried to bring into this 2 people recently who claimed to be my friends and they lied to me, led me on, and made us do additional work and then did not come through. It was hours and minutes that I didn't have to spare. Now we're ready to move past these people, but I'm in a lot of trouble financially. Now what. I can't explain all of what we have been through, but a legal situation last year put us behind for 9 months and it was not our fault. I have been barely able to get out of bed for a week. I've been going downhill fast, but today had a somewhat good day. I put together a plan to make money and have every incentive in the world to get out of this situation, but if I don't get some money in the next 24 hours everything I've worked so hard for, stressed over, was emotionally abused over from every direction in my life, may be in the garbage. If you can find it in your heart to help me, even $10 would help but obviously more is better. I have nothing. Nothing. I do have ways to move forward, but it takes a little something to make money, you can't do it on air. I have to get going now, and overcome all these obstacles. I have that much confidence in myself to know this can, will happen. But could use a hand if you can. I have a paypal account just ask me.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 1 reply

New tribe

Schirin — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 21:18:48 GMT

I just started a new tribe if you care to join: http://tribes.tribe.net/prayerchain

*hugs*

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

What now?

Tammy — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 06:22:05 GMT

So what happens now when I am just too tired to keep up with the constant battles and wars raging inside of my head and heart? What happens now that I can no longer feel, or much less remember, the person I was even just 6 months ago. What happens when I can't even begin to find what it was that made that person smile or laugh? What happens when everyone is gone because of my insanity and crazy perceptions and attempts at manipulation? What happens when I can't find the words to express what is going on inside of me? What happens when I am so sick of hurting everyone around me yet I know that only way to make this better will cause more pain? Where does that leave me now? Can I just let go now? Can I please just let go?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 5 replies

i'm all upset

blake — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 01:32:00 GMT

i found a copy of walking on eggshells ( a book for people who know someone with bpd) beside my sister's bed.
i know that it should make me feel good, knowing that she is trying to understand what is wrong with me and how to help me, but instead i feel horrible. like i've been cornered and exposed. like all my private thoughts have been spilt out onto the pages for anyone who wants to to read. and they refer to self harm as "self mutilation", which is a term i find highly offensive.
i sat on her bed with the book in my hands and just cried and cried.
i don't know whether i should say something to her about it or just pretend i never saw it.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 19 replies

i'm scared

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 03:29:44 GMT

right now my life is moving in an incredibly fast forward motion... i am about to gain back all the freedoms i gave up in 2003 when i left my exhusband...

i have always been a handful for those who love me... i have always been something of a trial to those nearest to me... they put up with so much...

and as i move forward, with my boyfriend, i move away from others in my life who have kept me alive, medicated, fed, safe and as sane as they could...

and i am scared...

i am scared that i will fall flat on my face... i am scared that i will disappoint those who wish me well and want to see me move forward...

i wonder if my boyrfriend should be given a day long seminar from my exhusband, my parents, my friends and my coworkers so he doesn't go into this with just my word for it... he deserves to hear from others how i have taxed their lives and made myself unworthy of their respect and trust...

i am afraid that he is going to finally see what a pointless wreck of a human being i really am and he will regret his kindness toward me... i am afraid that i will turn out to be way too much of a chore...

i am scared... i don't feel worthy of any of this goodness or forward movement... i have done nothing to deserve this bounty and, therefore, feel that i am wholly unentitled to it...

i just want to be abandonded quickly, as quickly as possible, if it's going to happen... i hate being the weight around anybody's neck but it seems that is my role in this life... i so want to stand alone and strong so that others don't constantly have to look after me...

i'm 36 years old and completely incapable of looking after myself... of keeping myself safe, medicated, healthy and alive - that's how i feel... and i hate myself for being this weak, incompetent child... i feel guilty already for ruining somebody's life that i haven't even ruined yet...

i'm scared.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 4 replies

Why play emotional mind games?

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 00:51:48 GMT

Why do women always have to be working some angle, manipulating men to suit their purpose, being totally self absorbed.
Sydney is full of damaged goods. no exageration, the nice ones are of usually a blend of mixed cultures, the rest just anglo white trash.

The shows on TV, the media, and the general perception of the population is that men just want to f*&K all the time and have no real emotions so they can affored to be toyed with. True we love sex but show me a woman who doesn't.

They view men as being empty little boys with wallets, bleeding them of cash and goodness, to make ex lovers gelouse, clinging to security they they can't create themselves, because they can't abstain from instant gratification. They have no sense of loyalty, compassion or integrity.

I'm so sick of women saying they are in love with a guy, when they have no idea about what that means, if they did they would not want to let it go, instead they just want to screw around as some men, but masquarade under the guise of love, so they can sleep at night. The truth is when they meet someone that can give them what they need and want the look the other way, and spend their days bitching, about the past.

They cry and have hissi -fits when they are used, and then run back to get pummeled again, while all the descent nice guys just listen to their pathetic stories of what could have been, and tell us about the 'nice side' of their abusive,predatorial, fuck buddies they call 'boyfriend'.

really i'm so sick of women who pretend they are sensitive caring and just can't find a nice guy. I think they really want to be abused! theats right they want to be treated like trash, why else would their be so many tales of ' he cheatted on me....but he promised me he won't do it again' i mean come on.....how stupid can you be! I think in some bizare way they like the idea of another girl screwing their man and then winning him back....like they are trying to 'best in show' They spend time manicuring their private parts to keep their give them the best chance at securing their prize.

Women i've met recently always need a 'fall guy' or a 'cat' or a 'baby', someone or somthing to love them because they just can't stand proud. I know there are a lot of women who are not like this but it seems that the only ones i meet are not worth the air they breath.

i have some anger, (i guess years of being played, and relentlessly trusting, only to have your heart wrenched out and given back to you trampled, will do that to a man). Hence the cinicism, but i can assure you it was never there to begin with, i'm a product of sick society.

Its like i want love and to be able to trust people so much, but really can't find a partner deserving of what i can offer, but all around are women pretending to be hungry for passion, intimacy, and searching for sole mates...etc. when they just want to fuck but can't admit it. I have more respect for sex workers.

my suggestion for women who continue to toy with mens emotions, you'd better stock up on DVD's with episodes of 'Desperate house wives, bridget jones, and all the other tripe, because thats as close as you deserve to get to real love. Mear fantacies of what it might be like, playing the poor inocent victims. Really its an insult to thoese of us men and women who really know how prescious and sacred love is, if you've never had it you wouldn't fuck with it becasue you realise it has the power to lift you or destroy you.

I expect a lot of replys to this post as being...'dude you need a girl friend....or you really have a lot of anger towards women' and yes your absoultly right. But there is one thing i hate more than being very alone and that is being 'preached too by thoses people who have made a mockery of life and relationships...to them loyalty is keeping their hair dresser.

to all the descent women, who arn't drug fucked, manipulative skanks....i apologise i need to believe people like you are out there, just as much as you need to believe in the real men.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 6 replies

i often think.....

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 00:26:22 GMT

If i could handle my moods more effectivley, and was able to function better........would i really want to carry on living?....would i want to just accept second best to a life i wanted to accept what .... just works...rather than feeling enthused about it.

Although i could be free from unstable emotions, with DBT, the reality is i have lost all of my childhood, my adolescent years and all of my 20's to a world that just wasn't real, that was barren and empty. My body has aged. deep down i feel ripped off, angry and upset for having been consumed by this evil.

Its too late to live my dreams, and start working on a plan, everything else is just a substitute for the life i wish i'd had.

i know this is dwelling on the past, and i should forget about it.....but i find it hard to just accept that 30 out of a possible 70 years, have been destroyed by the people who were supposed to care.

sometimes i wish people had a greater understanding, of what it feels like to have your dreams, shattered time and time again. i would have liked to have done something great with mylife but i see more reasons to die than to continue living.

Life is like a card game to me. everyone sits down to play, you feel you may have a chance at winning, you feel optimistic and excited for a while at what could be. But you realise everyone else has been cheating and there is nothing you can do about it. You keep walking away empty handed. To feel empowered and to respect yourself you get up and try a new table, but the same thing happens again. People keep telling you just to keep playing and one day things will be different, you may walk away with a taste.

i'd like to experience a taste of life, of peace, of happiness just once before i die. Shortly after feeling it i think i would want to just die anyway because i'm so tired and exhausted. Like thoses salmon that swim up stream to mate, shortly after they achive their goal they die, happy and fullfilled.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 6 replies

Borderline celebrity spokesperson.....

scorpioluna2 — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 23:49:25 GMT

Such thick and heavy pain we go through, sometimes I wish others could plug into me and feel what I feel just for a short period of time, how scary and confusing, there's no f**king spokesperson or celebrity that go up there and say <<Hey, this is what it's like for people suffering from BPD....>>
Like I've seen done for Bipolar Disorder or Parkinson's, I mean this is life altering, family breaking. causing suicide, bankrupsy, addiction, depression...Bassically death in some cases...Most times all of the above, I mean that's alot of sh**t for one little soul to handle

Then scariest part is the fact that, stuck inside the f**ked up emotionnal frame hides most of the time a perfectly intelligent, capable, funny, talented person, who at one point will sit back, powerless, and watch their life go down the drain.....

Sarahxx

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 8 replies

i hate taking my meds

Brittany — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 03:23:32 GMT

I am so tired of meds. I want to quit taking them, and my doctors say that I could but "that wouldn't be a wise idea." I already tried to quit them on my own and my dad found out and now he watches me in the mornings to make sure i take them. it drives me nuts. isn't my right if im 18 not to take them.

as it is im on three different meds because they're not sure what works the best for me. but im so tired of the trial and error phase. I've been doing this for a year and a half! I wouldn't mind taking them if i felt like they were actually helping me to the level where they are supposed to.

I started out on prozac, the 20mg didn't work so they moved to 40mg. They decided that wasn't going to work at all or at least not how they wanted it to so they swiched me to zoloft. I have gone from 25mg (starting dose) to 100mg. Then that wasn't working well enough so they added Wellbutrin. I have upped the dose on that and then went back down because it made me feel like s***. I was on that combo for about 4 months while they played around with the doses. Surprise, once again they added another med. this time it was Lamictal. I was on that for 2 months. That was the one i didn't take, but I wasn't aware that if you stop taking it you have to start out at the 25mg all over again and titrate up. So they thought that was too dangerous for me to be on. Now I am on a combination of zoloft, wellbutrin, and trilipetal(?)

Now i have horrible headaches and im not sure if its from my new med or if its from taking them again, or if its not related at all!

I feel so confused. Has anyone been on some of these meds or the same combo?
Sorry this was so boring, its just that it has been bothering me for a while now. If you actually made it to this point, thanks for listening to me rant!

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 2 replies

Happiness is more than chasing pleasure

Schirin — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 22:33:33 GMT

Happiness is more than chasing pleasure
Psychiatrist Dr. Donald Rosen explains the science of satisfaction

Health editor
MSNBC
Updated: 6:55 a.m. PT March 6, 2007
Some people are just born happier, researchers believe. But if you're the type to see the glass as half-empty, can you learn to think more positively about your life — and, as a result, be healthier and live longer?

As part of this week's NBC Nightly News series, "The Pursuit of Happiness," MSNBC.com spoke with Dr. Donald E. Rosen, a psychiatrist and director at Oregon Health & Science University in Portland. Rosen describes the actions that help us feel more satisfied with our lives, how positive feelings can protect us from illness and why he's no fan of self-help books.

Q. What does it mean to be happy? How do scientists measure it?
A. Positive emotional style is typified by a more happy mood, feelings of liveliness and calmness. But it gets very hard to specify if my scale of 1 to 10 is like your scale. How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10? It’s relative to you. The measures are inherently subjective.

When it comes to measuring happiness, what [many] researchers find is that a sense of engagement with others — whether love or friendships or social community involvement — as well as a sense of influence at work, a sense of meaning in life, such as using one’s personal strengths toward a larger end, and living in a safe neighborhood are more important than the experience of pleasure or income.

What we study is whether the positive emotional style is more akin to a personality trait as opposed to being in a state of happiness at any one moment. [Happiness] is associated with — although distinct from — feeling optimistic, purposeful, resilient or having a sense of vigor.

If happiness is more than the difference between doing good and feeling good, and if it’s more a way of being than a way of feeling at any one moment, that suggests that retail therapy might not be as effective as feeling a part of a community or contributing to it.

Q. What is really meant by a positive emotional style and how does it affect our health?
A. We’ve known for a long time that stress has adverse effects on an adult. People with highly stressed lives have increased incidences of heart disease, stroke, chronic illness, autoimmune illnesses and cancer. What's exciting is that having a positive emotional tone does more than mitigate the negative effects of stress. We know that they resist infections better and that when they do get sick they get less sick.

There's a Detroit study of nuns that started in the 1930s. In the nuns' diaries, researchers looked at references to positive words and number of different types of positive words. Those nuns who had most references to positive feelings and positive words lived nine years longer than nuns with more negative thoughts.

Part of having a positive emotional style is a feeling of calmness. Research shows that happier people have a lower resting pulse at work, as well as at leisure.

Q. How does having positive outlook make us less vulnerable to illnesses?
A. Research suggests that it has far-reaching effects on longevity and overall health. It’s not just true that people who are physically well report that they are happier, but the reverse is also true — that people who are happier are also physically healthier and live longer. Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh found that people who reported a high degree of happiness were more resistant to the flu and some other viruses. The happiest people, the people with the highest scores, actually became ill less frequently. Those that did become symptomatic had less severe symptoms and were symptomatic for briefer periods of time.

Something in our physiology that allows us to have a more positive outlook makes us more resistant to infection or disease. The specifics of those kinds of mechanism we don’t know anything about [yet] because there are so many steps that cascade into an effective immune response. If one of those is given a boost, it could boost the overall immune response rather robustly.

It's ultimately measurable, but it takes time. This is where more research is going to need to be done.

Q. What about personal achievement? Are more successful people happier?
A. The relationship between achievement and happiness yields a mixed bag. There’s a common misconception that people who are high achievers are happier. For example, actors who won an Academy Award lived on average four years longer than other nominees. Those who won two lived six years longer. But screenwriters who won an Academy Award lived three years shorter than the other nominees. Even though the Award-winning screenwriters had longer careers, they didn't live as long.

[Business management guru] Peter Drucker said for high-achieving successful executives to feel best about themselves they needed to give something to their community that was more than writing a check or getting others to write checks.

Q. Can scientists develop strategies to help people be more positive?
A. There is a study looking at the health effects of gratitude journals that help a person identify the events or experiences in their day that they are grateful for and write them down. If you do it in a systemized way, it prevents the [good feelings] from being thrown out from the gestalt of the day.

Q. So that would train people to think about the positive things that have happened to them instead of fixating on the negative?
A. Right. One of the things that religions share is reflection — whether they call it prayer or meditation. They focus on being internally more attuned and to be grateful and appreciative for what you do have and remorseful about the things you wish you wouldn’t have done.

Another researcher is looking at exercises in altruism or kindness that are reflective of a person’s individual values. There are people who feel quite invigorated when they do altruistic things, but they need a nudge or some support or encouragement.

To paraphrase Gandhi, happiness is when what you think, you say and what you do are consistent with each other and are consistent with your values. Science is beginning to more precisely measure, understand and construct mechanisms for attaining a frame of mind that potentially can have as significant an impact on health as diet, exercise or not smoking.

Q. What are scientists hoping to find from the research on emotional states?
A. What we’re hoping to find is that health and lifestyle is not only tending to one’s ... emotional well-being, [but] also tending to one’s physiologic well-being. It’s more than reducing stress. It’s tending to what is important to your life — not what’s important to life — but what’s important to you.

Some of these self-help books will tell you what to do, but they fall flat because they’re not for everybody. For example, jogging or gardening aren’t for everyone.

The things that people choose to do that are reflective of their values — that’s what is healthy for them. That’s what helps them be healthier, live longer and feel more contented. That’s the “wow” of this.

© 2007 MSNBC Interactive© 2007 MSNBC Interactive
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16808889/

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 2 replies

i am

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 19:26:06 GMT

short
fat
ugly
stupid
incompetent
incapable
judgemental
immature
rotten and foul and horrible and worthless inside and out

i hate myself today more than i have ever hated myself in my life

i prayed and prayed and prayed not to wake up this morning

i made the person i love most in the world so disgusted with me i can't bear to walk around and look anybody in the eye

everything i touch is contaminated with the poison that i am

i am so angry with myself for not being strong enough to kill myself... i'm so angry that i can't do the right thing and take myself out of a world that i do nothing to but make worse for being here in it

i knew that eventually he would see what kind of disgusting filth i truly am, i just wasn't prepared for it to happen so fast

i don't know if i can ever look him in the eye again, not that he'd ever want to look me in the eye again after what i have done... he is horrified by what he saw in me... i will never forget the anger and disdain in his voice

i never thought i could feel worse about myself than i generally do

my father is right about me, i never should have been born, i have never done anything but create problems for other people to solve and expect to be taken care of and i am wholly unworthy of that care

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 3 replies

how do i get my dad to leave me alone?

Brittany — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 15:51:17 GMT

I hate my dad right now. He doesnt trust me and hasnt since i was hospitalized for "suicidal behavior". He goes through my room and reads everything i write. I feel like he stalks me because he knows everything that i do and when i do it even if i don't tell him. If im on the computer doing even harmless things he is watching over me. he doesn't ask me about my cutting, but insteads searches my room for proof. I have exhaused every hiding place in my room and he still finds things. i feel so violated. I mean i have hidden things in my underwear drawer and he finds them. Any suggestions? I am going to lose my mind soon!!!!

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 replies

death of a personality

blake — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 07:38:51 GMT

last week i died.
or at least the person i was died.
she was lying in bed, listening to music. she had been crying all night and her eyes were swollen shut. she felt is coming, she knew what was going to happen. she felt the darkness enfold her, wrap black velvet around her bruised mind and take her away.
the song was cross out the eyes, thursday.

she died.

and now there is me.

and i am not her. i'm a new person inside her body. i remember everything, or most things, about her but i don't feel any of it. i feel empty. like the ghost of her.
the first few days i was just very quiet, unsure about myself, but since then i now know that she died and i am in this body now.
i am different to her. i am very afraid of the dark and of silence. i'm uninterested in a lot of things that mattered to her. i met up with a friend and found i couldn't talk to him, felt nothing for him, didn't know what to say to the stranger that i have years of memories of. the evening was a farewell, he is moving away, and when we parted i just walked away. she, the old me, would have hugged him, kissed his cheek, told him she loved him.
i climbed into the car, waved awkwardly, didn't look back.
i no longer feel any connection to my family.
my cutting has increased so much. i've stopped even making an attempt of hiding it, bleeding extravagently on everything i touch, letting people see me walking around the house while still bleeding.
i have a lot of trouble speaking aloud. the words just won't come to my lips.
i can't remember the faces and voices of people that she loved.

my point of all this is to ask if anyone here has experienced this. has anyone else felt themselves die and had someone new take over? does anyone else know what this feels like?
does anyone know what i should do?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 5 replies

only the weak get treated here!

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 05:24:45 GMT

When i speak with therapists or other wise about what it feels like not having an identity, they don't feel it is so serious.....and the usual response is " well no one really knows who they are, or what there purpose is" i get so mad, because if this was true they would feel powerless, numb, confused and they certainly would not go to work, would not have relationships, they would be living out of a suit case, they would not want to eat, and they would be very depressed, they would be spectating life not living it.

Clearly others borderlines or non's .... function so they must have some pieces i don't, i'm a strager to myself, to my city, to my family, yet people think its funny, when i say i havn't got an identity.......Its the scariest thing in the world.

if you stop and think about it, if you don't have any beliefs, any hard core foundations, how can you have an opinion, how can you know how to create happiness? how can you be independent? how do you make an income, what job is you? how do you know how to live a life worth living? what do you like to eat? how do you live from one second to the next? in my life there is no continuity in anything, there is nothingness and everything all at the same time, but you can't touch any of it you just watch time slip away, poweress to intervene, and this has been my feelings for over 2 and a half years.....i can't take this emptiness anymore.

i believe in wanting love and to be loved, i believe i will discover what i'm about one day, but i'll be fucked if i understand how to cultivate it....i've heard all the "just be here now" crap....but thats exactly the problem, i'm "here now" all the time....i'd like to know i belong somewhere and REALLY FEEL IT!

it seems that unless you are cutting, threattening to do harm to yourself or others, basically anything short of a pain in the ass you get ignored....i guess thoese that do this are just trying the best they can and i don't mean to rank, but what about others who are suffering just as much, that just realise that doing such things that is not going to piece together "a fragmented Identity" and the work you put in to therapy seems to be failing, but you keep going ....i often ask myself why?

....its like the weak get rewarded, when you genuinely use all your energy to keep it together you get pushed aside for more needy.

i'm not one of thoses people who moan and complain, but there comes atime when you need to push to live! If i were any more proactivce i'd be a therapist myself.....but it goes against you, because people say 'well your intelligent, you seem to have a good understanding of your situation.....your well spoken, no signs of visible harm....well he must be doing ok then"

I have not met another male in my country with the illness, i'm beginning to realise why,.....there is nowhere we can go, the books, the treatments the hospitals are full of, and cater for young women, guys get fucked in the family courts and get screwed when it comes to mental health treatment.

call it black and whit thinking if you want, but its not without well supported evidence.

so angry right now, appologies but if i can't vent it here where can you!

Pp

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 12 replies

is it worse....

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 20:32:40 GMT

.... when you are completely aware of your crazy?

in the last few months, thanks to my own personal work in small part and in getting to know all of you in large part, i have become very aware of my pathologies and how they play out in my day-to-day life... i can see myself thinking and behaving in such common trademark ways with my BPD... things i felt and did in the past now all make perfect sense... i suppose that is one part of the battle, hmmm? recognizing your crazy and learning to deal with it...

so i know when i am being ridiculous, when i am behaving like a handful... and as soon as i become aware of it i get SO disgusted with myself... that intense self-loathing just bubbles up to a roiling boil and it can happen in a flash - just an instant - and suddenly i have such self-hatred and such a desire for self-destruction i can barely contain it... i go from 0 to 100 in seconds... i try to talk myself out of this nonsense but it doesn't work... and i want to hide these feelings and behaviours from my loved ones so badly but certain people can sniff out my dysfunction like a bloodhound on the trail... and these people want only to help... i try to lie and say "no i'm fine" but they KNOW when i am messed up and then i get so scared that if they see it too much, if it rears its head too many times, they are going to get frustrated with me and go away... you know how therapists and everybody in the whole world talks about us - i think out of all the mental illnesses we with bpd are the most difficult to deal with and it feels like the payoff isn't worth it in the end.... they'd all just like it better if we'd just take our stupid bpd and go the fuck away...

i don't know... i'm just sick of my own damned self today... i just hate myself and want to carve out the bpd in me and get rid of it but i can't... it's woven so deeply into my fucked up brain i can't get it out... i wish i had an off switch for my stupid fucking evil useless brain... i hate dealing with myself just as much as everybody else does...

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 5 replies

New Relationship

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 23:19:09 GMT

I am in a new relationship and I was feeling great, on cloud nine, for a few weeks. Now I am feeling completely overwhelmed, angry, sad, pensive, scared scared scared scared scared once again. I fear he cannot ever give me what I want (which is probably true). I just wanted to get some support and see how/if any of you have been able to make something last/manage these intense feelings. ???? HELP!

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 3 replies

I hate Forums

Nightmare1158 — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 15:43:33 GMT

I am a talker, and Ihate forums cuz you have to wait to get responses. I have website abilities and would LOVE to do a LIVE CHAT website, if you all will come and talk to me. Please give me your opinions, I NEED to do something, but don't want to waste the time if you are going to use it.

Thanks

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

do psycholgists omit details?

Brittany — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 23:38:16 GMT

hi everyone. im new here and have a question. can a psychologist diagnose you with a mental illness and not tell you what conclusion they have come too? I read the "what you need to know about BPD" and i have felt/done almost everything on that list. it made me wonder if that is what i have because i haven't formally been diagnosed with it. im on a several different meds and they don't seem to help with everything. any ideas?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 replies

Paranoia like a motherf***er

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 14:30:44 GMT

I feel like no one likes me. At work I feel like no one talks to me and just pretty much orders me around and ignores me completely. My family only cares about me when I'm embarrassing them. I feel like they have to walk on eggshells on me because they're afraid to anger me. I think people talk about me behind my back all the time, like there's some secret joke going on at work about me. I feel excluded on purpose, like I'm not good enough to talk to or hang out with. Anyone out there feel this? What do I have to do not to go crazy feeling this way? Suggestions?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 8 replies

I need answers

Nightmare1158 — Sat, 17 Feb 2007 20:37:34 GMT

I know that what I am going to say is going to be very "unpopular" but feel that I have to say it.

I have been dealing with emotional issues my whole life. I refuse to submit to treatment, one because I am afraid they will lock me away forever and not let me out, and two because I have had some really bad experiences with the shrinks in our area.

The first time I sought help, I never got anykind of diagnosis, all I got was my theropist running and telling my older sister everything I said. Imagine suprise when my sister tells me how stupid I am to do the things I was talking to my theropist about.

My next experience the shrink told me I was bi-polar and put me on lithium(sp) and I was so out of it I couldn't function. I quit taking it, moved back home with my mom and was fine for about another 5 years. Then my mom died, and I went into a downhill spirall that lasted a very long time. It ended with me seeing another shrink that told me I was parnoid schizophrenic and put me on a bunch of meds that kept me so drugged up all the time I didn't know if I was coming or going.

I met my husband 12 years ago, he is the best thing that could have ever happened to me, he has seen me at my best, at my worst and everything in between. I have tried to push him away at everyturn and he refuses to budge. I think I was very lucky and found a keeper.

So here is where I am today. I was drawn to this tribe because of some of the things I have read here, but because I have not experienced many of the things you talk about I excluded this as a possibility. I had a good childhood as far as I can remember, I have had long relationships with other people, and typically have a pretty good sense of who I am, however, I have these "episodes" that make me think I am totally insane, and need to be locked away. If no one else is going to do, I do it myself in my mind.

When I came here origianally I was in the grips of one of these episodes. It passed as it always does and I somehow thought my life was going to go on for a while without it. About 3 weeks ago I had a migraine headache and then went into a downward spiral that I am having a bit of trouble pulling out of. I have a friend who is a "semi" shrink that is helping me work through the issues, and atleast for the moment I am somewhat calm, and thinking clearly. He beleives that I might very well be borderline personality, because of some of my reactions, symptoms and responses.

What I want to know is if there is anyone, at all, that can help me to determine if this is truly the possiblility, or is it some other neurosis I have yet to discover. I only know I want this pain to stop, before it makes me do something really stupid, like what I have tried to do in the past.

If you have any comments, Please contact me, if not through here, my msn is nightmare1158@hotmail.com.

Thanks all so much.

Sue

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 11 replies

Codependent behavior

Schirin — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 00:20:14 GMT

I posted this in another tribe and felt that I should share it with you all. When we recognize it in ourselves and others and we study it, we learn how we need to change in ourselves and understand that we need to extracate ourselves from bad situations.

From the book “Co-dependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself”

The definition of co-dependency: "An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules - rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems."

Characteristics of a co-dependent:
-think and feel responsible for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and destiny.
-feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
-feel compelled - almost forced - to help that person solve the problem.
-feel angry when their help isn't effective.
-anticipate other's needs.
-wonder why others won't do the same for them.
-find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
-not knowing what they want and need, or telling themselves it isn't important.
-try to please others rather than themselves.
-find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to other rather than themselves.
-feel safest when giving.
-feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them
-feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to others and nobody gives to them.
-attracted to needy people.
-needy people attracted to them.
-put others in a position of obligation.
-feel bored, empty, worthless without a crisis in their lives, problem to solve, somebody to help.
-abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
-over commit themselves.
-feel harried and pressured.
-believe deep inside other people somehow responsible for them.
-blame others for the spot the codependents are in.
-say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.
-believe other people are making them crazy.
-find other people become impatient or angry with them for all the preceding characteristics.
-low self-worth.
-blame themselves for everything.
-pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.
-get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others blame and criticize them.
-reject compliments and praise.
-get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation).
-feel different from the rest of the world.
-think they're not quite good enough.
-feel guilty about spending money on themselves, or doing fun things for themselves.
-fear rejection.
-take things personally.
-have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, abandonment, alcoholism.
-feel like victims.
-tell themselves they can't do anything right.
-afraid of making mistakes.
-wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
-expect themselves and others to do everything perfectly.
-have a lot of guilt.
-feel ashamed of who they are.
-think their lives aren't worth living.
-try to help other people live their lives instead.
-believe good things will never happen to them.
-believe they don't deserve good things and happiness.
-wish other people would like and love them.
-believe other people couldn't possibly like and love them.
-try to prove they're good enough for other people.
-settle for being needed.
-push their thoughts/feelings out of awareness because of fear and guilt.
-become afraid to let themselves be who they are.
-appear rigid and controlled.
-feel terribly anxious about problems and people.
-worry about the silliest things.
-think and talk a lot about other people.
-lose sleep over problems and other peopl's behavior.
-worry.
-never find answers.
-check on people.
-try to catch people in acts of misbehavior.
-feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems.
-abandon their routine because they are so upset about something or somebody.
-focus all their energy on other people and problems.
-wonder why they never have any energy.
-wonder why they can't get things done.
-become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
-try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
-get frustrated and angry.
-ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening.
-tell themselves things will be better tomorrow.
-stay busy so they don't have to think about things.
-get confused, depressed and sick.
-become workaholics.
-overeat.
-watch problems get worse.
-lie to themselves, and believe lies.
-wonder why they feel like they're going crazy.
-look for happiness outside themselves.
-latch onto whomever or whatever they think can provide happiness.
-feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think provides their happiness.
-didn't feel love and approval from their parents.
-don't love themselves.
-seek love from people incapable of loving.
-believe other people are never there for them.
-equate love with pain.
-desperately seek love and approval.
-feel they need people more than they want them.
-try to prove they're good enough to be loved.
-don't take time to see if other people are good for them.
-center their lives around other people.
-lose interest in their own lives when in love.
-worry other people will leave them.
-stay in relationships that don't work.
-tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.
-feel trapped in relationships.
-they blame, threaten, coerce, beg, bribe.
-don't say what they mean, mean what they say, know what they mean.
-ask for what they want and need indirectly, for example, sighing.
-find it difficult to get to the point.
-try to say what they think will provoke people.
-avoid talking about themselves, their feelings, problems and thoughts.
-believe their opinions don't matter.
-nothing is their fault, or everything is their fault.
-lie to protect and cover up for people they love or to themselves.
-have a difficult time asserting their rights.
-begin to talk in cynical, self-degrading, or hostile ways.
-say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people, but then increase their tolerance and do things they said they never would.
-wonder why they hurt so badly.
-don't trust themselves, their feelings, decisions, or other people.
-think God has abandoned them.
-lose their faith and trust in God.
-feel very scared, hurt and angry.
-are afraid of their own anger, and frightened of other people's anger.
-cry a lot, get depressed, overeat, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts.
-punish other people for making them angry.
-become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don't require sacrifice.
-have a passive response to codependency - crying, hurt, helplessness - or aggressive response - violence, anger, dominance - or a combination.
-laugh when when they feel like crying.
-stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.
-feel lethargic and depressed.
-become withdrawn and isolated.
-experience a complete loss of routine and structure.
-feel hopeless.
-begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in.
-think about suicide.
-become addicted to alcohol or drugs.
-neglect responsibilities.
-not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough, or they aren't important enough.

The chapters then go on how to get healthy. The topics:
-detachment
-don't be blown about by every wind (reactionary)
-set yourself free (let go of control)
-remove the victim (stop rescuing)
-undependence (dependency kills love)
-live your own life (live and let live)
-have a love affair with yourself
-learn the art of acceptance
-feel your own feelings
-trust your mind (quit abusing it with worry and obsessions)
-set your own goals
-communicate (talk clearly and openly)
-spiritual programs (we are spiritual beings and need a spiritual program. turn your will and life over the care of God as we understand Him to be, instead of the care of alcohol or drugs)
-drama addicts (stop seeking out 'excited misery')

Ideas to help:
-Finish up business from our childhoods, as best we can. Grieve. Get some perspective. Figure out how events from our childhoods are affecting what we're doing now.
-Nurture and cherish that frightened, vulnerable, needy child inside us. The child may never completely disappear, no matter how self-sufficient we become. Stress may cause the child to cry out. Unprovoked, the child may come out and demand attention when we least expect it.
-Stop looking for happiness in other people. Our source of happiness and well-being is not inside other's; it's inside us. Learn to center ourselves in ourselves.
-We can learn to depend on ourselves. Maybe other people haven't been there for us, but we can start being there for us.
-We can depend on God. He's there, and He cares. Our spiritual beliefs can provide us with a strong sense of emotional security. God hasn't abandoned us. We have abandoned ourselves. He expects us to cooperate by caring for ourselves.
-Strive for undependence. Begin examining the ways we are dependent, emotionally and financially, on the people around us.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

Hello everyone.I am the new moderator of bpd...

Ally — Sat, 17 Feb 2007 15:34:10 GMT

I just wanted to say hi to everyone, and to inform you all....so how is everyone?

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 4 replies

doormat?

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 09:38:45 GMT

i was diagnosed at the age of 16 with borderline personality disorder...

for most of my life i ignored the diagnosis as my psychologist at the time didn't ever explain to me what it meant... i remember some time back in the 90's when some books came out i kind of nodded in interest but didn't really read any of it... throughout my 20's i was pretty high-functioning...

it wasn't until my big breakdown at 31 that i started to see the dark, horrible, disturbing and scary parts of myself that had ruled my life as a teenager returning and growing stronger again...

i really came to terms with what borderline personality disorder meant to me within this last year... i have had a lot of therapists tell me they don't like "diagnoses" in that way so nobody wanted to talk about it with me...

but i see more of myself in bpd than in anything else...

please excuse the long intro... but how many of you out there would identify yourselves as a doormat?... somebody who regularly takes all the shit that people will dish out all over you and then smile and thank them for it and go away and then torment the fuck out of yourself in an attempt to exorcise the badness and hurt and anger out of you?

because the doormat syndrome doesn't seem to be a strong part of bpd - am i wrong? how do you feel? i get the sense that people with bpd are better than i am at directing their anger back at the person who drew first blood... and i seem to effectively lack that skill...

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 9 replies

I can't handle the mood swings

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 20:38:14 GMT

I finally found a job that pays decent. But when I'm not at work I don't know who I am or what to do. It's like work is my life. But I want it to be so. And at the same time don't. I can be happy in the morning and depressed in the afternoon. I can't handle my mood swings. They just say it's rapid cycle bi polar but I've been diagnosed with BPD before. It's like they dont want to use that diagnosis because it means there's no hope for cure or treatment. A huge part of me wants to start cutting again. It's only been a month since I've started cutting again. But a small part of me says no. That it won't help. Does this make any sense? I feel like an idiot when I try to explain how I feel to people. When I'm in a good mood, I'm in a fan-fucking-tastic mood. When I'm down, I'm suicidal. And when I reach out people say they don't know what to do. Or what to say. I just want a true friend or family member tell me that they love me and that they'll be there for me through whatever. I mean WHATEVER. Good, bad, and ugly. I just need some support, I guess. Thanks for listening...eh, reading.

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 8 replies

New Tribe....self injurers....read

Ally — Thu, 18 Jan 2007 12:43:04 GMT

im starting a new tribe called, A Bright Red Scream.....like the book...yet, not entirely about it...youll be interested to join....

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 0 replies

Timing is everything!

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 00:40:45 GMT

I try to plan certain activities, sometime successfully, but at the end of the day, it seems the outcome will totaly depend on wether i'm stable.

For example was invited to an engagment party, was looking forward to it but deep down i knew that wether i went or not, would depend on whether my mood was stable or not. so i could't even send the RSVP.
Another example was a job interview i'd organised last week. the night before i was excited about it, just before i went i freaked out, postponed the opointment, saying somthing had come up. Then spent the following few hours feeling angry at myself for not following through.

Does anyone feel the frustraton of trying to implement changes, go to organised events (what ever they may be),
but because of the mood swing they have to make excuses for not following through?

i'm guessing its just the nature of things.
pp

posted by:
Pavlos
Australia
3 friends

posted in Borderline Personality Disorder - 3 replies

Borderline Personality Disorder's topics - tribe.net

Lost ability to be creative...need help

An open letter to those who SI

I'm Back

Medications

Emptiness persist

Hello everyone...

Loneliness

some hope for stabilization

Anyone interested in virtual support meetings?

This is done in the spirit of invitation...

Bingeing

Hello everyone...Ally...

borderline pain

The insanity Does it again.

Don't worry

New here...

Power of the Tongue

Quotes of the Day

self medicating------

Poor body image

just have to talk to some one

Relationships.....should we just give up?

Mood Shifts

help

really "insane"?

which sickness

Article: How I Learned to Stop Hating My Mother

Book Summary: Rules to Live By

A couple of great websites

Re -joined for a purpose

My previous profile name was - Pavlos

causes

Schirin

I thought this was lovely

Worrying Makes You Cross the Bridge Before You Come to It

And here we are again--

hi

Borderline?

hi everyone

What you need to know about BPD

depersonalization

WHERE THE HECK IS EVERYONE? YOU ALL STILL ALIVE?

*crickets*

Encouragement

My book is out and features several borderline characters!

Self-Abuse...besides the cutting.

Rejection

Book Recommendation

help

What does it mean?

how long didi it take

Different types of relationships...

Anybody else the child of a narcissist out here?

any one understand the connection with BPD & the limbic system?

Resumes ..mmm!

got to laugh

Becoming too attached?

lifes gathering momentum.....

This weekend...

BPD dangers for children?

Unloveable?

Is There Really Any Help Out There?

Dealing With Big Changes, Sense of Reality, Feeling Nothing Has Changed

Evil, Monsters, Demons, and Faces of Me

Curious

hey all...first bit of song, not last line...hug to all

Double Diagnosis: BPD and Bipolar II?

meltdown !!

hEY aLL

Does Honesty Work?

Reclaiming childhood

I'm not diagnosed but...

new start

Scaired of DCL

I need help

New tribe

What now?

i'm all upset

i'm scared

crickets